Guest Reviewer:

Alan: I Have Not Yet Seen This Film 

Ebert:1/2 Rolling Stone:1/2 Entertainment Weekly:

Warning, minor plot points revealed!

Guest Review of Open Water

By Brody Bruce (The shark from JAWS)


The sharks in Open Water were lame.  First off, they were way too small.  Also, the sightings were few and far between, making for an extraordinarily boring series of lame-o dialogue between 2  non-tasty humans. They were just a couple of thin-as-rails, no meat-having executive types. Why didn’t they put a couple of fat, juicy humans in the water?  Maybe a couch potato would’ve drawn the attention of some big sharks, not just jellyfish and eels and stuff.  I would like to add that there was no mention of revenge, vendettas, or crazed serial-killing underwater beasts like myself.  It is known throughout the deep that the only way to make movie magic is to vilify the apex predators.  These wimpy things barely messed with the humans…and then the humans just gave up.  Land-dwellers of the 21st century are weak.  20th Century mammals would drive their busted-ass boats out into the ocean, get drunk, sing sea chanteys and blow sharks up.  Will someone please make a better shark movie than JAWS so I can retire in peace?

(Review dictated by Bruce to Keith "Dutch " Van Norman)