The House of the Dead (2003) 

Alan:

Ebert: No Review Rolling Stone: No Review TV Guide: No Review

(Apparently this movie is so bad that reviewers are not even acknowledging it's existence)


House of the Dead is the first movie I've ever seen where 1/4 of the audience stood up 10 minutes before the movie ended and stormed out of the theatre screaming about how they were ripped off and wanted their money back.  Lucky for me I didn't pay for it like those suckers because I snuck in to see it after I saw Kill Bill.  

House of the Dead is based on the Sega video game that Jeff Rowland and I play every time we go see a movie at Celebration Cinema in Lansing, Mi.  The entire point of the game is to just walk around shooting zombies and monsters.  Unfortunately the movie is only loosely based on the game and looks like it was made by a bunch of high school kids with video cameras.  

Unlike the excellent big budget treatment that made the similar themed Resident Evil such a cool movie, House of the Dead was made using the same low budget techniques employed earlier in the summer by Cabin Fever It is my belief that there are two types of horror movies.  If the film is shot out in the woods then that means that the film makers couldn't afford to shoot indoors because they might get blood on something.  If, on the other hand, the movie employs actual elaborate indoor sets it is usually a better movie.  The exceptions are Evil Dead and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre which were filmed mostly outdoors and are excellent moviesAs soon as I realized that much of  House of the Dead was going to consist of kids running around getting killed in the woods I knew it was going to be a weak movie. 

The entire story of the film consists of a bunch of kids who go to an island for a rave and get attacked by and transformed into zombies.  The leader of the zombies is a renegade pirate or something who has discovered some sort of Re-Animator type way to be immortal.  

The only reason I didn't give this movie one star is because it has one decent extended action sequence where the surviving kids make a run for an abandoned house and kill about a 100 zombies along the way with Matrix-type effects.  This is obviously the scene where they spent all of their money.  There's also a couple nude scenes at the beginning of the film which I'm happy to see are making a comeback in stupid horror flicks.  

The only actor of name in the film is Ron Howard's creepy goofball brother Clint Howard.  

I didn't hate House of the Dead enough to join the movie-watcher rebellion that took place before the end of the film but I do sympathize with their movement.  It's a terrible movie and the fact that no reputable reviewer (besides me) has even seen it probably tells you that it's not worth your time.  If you want to see some real blood and gore go see Kill Bill instead.  Now that's a movie!