My Unauthorized Autobiography  


Chapter 1

The year was 1971.  Two misunderstood genetic researchers working without the sanctions of the ethical approval board decided that it would be scientifically relevant and funny to raise a child in a side-by-side comparison/contrast controlled experiment with lab mice.  In the beginning the infant was unable to perform at the enhanced level that the mice were capable of.  In addition, the aquarium where the child was kept between tests seemed to further stunt his development and he hardly ever used his exercise wheel.  The scientists realized that the child required a more spacious environment and created a series of interconnected plastic tubes that the infant could maneuver through and stretch his weak under-developed hind legs. Within months the baby that they now recognized as a boy, was able to run the maze with agility equal to that of the mice but was unable to grasp the point of the exercise and just ran in circles unable to navigate the complexities of the maze.  The researchers dismayed by their failure but intrigued by the twitchy and nervous attributes the boy now displayed, decided that sensory deprivation was the way to go.  In addition the mice were more fun to watch.  The boy was introduced to the C14 SenseDep chamber in the fall of 1972 and was promptly forgotten. 


Chapter 2

17 years later the rusted lock on the C14 SenseDep chamber finally fell off and the boy emerged into the world for a second time.  The research lab was torn down during the late 70's and a brand new shopping mall was developed and built on the site.  It was the spring of 1988 and the boy, struck blind by the sudden exposure to the florescent lights stumbled wet and naked past the security sensors at The Gap into the crowded Easter shopping weekend at the mall.  3 mall guards wrestled the boy to the floor and took away the giant soft pretzel he was eating. As there were no clothes to be found anywhere in the mall the security guards dressed the boy in an enormous pink bunny suit and forced him to welcome shoppers until child protective services arrived.  He was promptly taken to the orphanage where he and the other discarded children sang songs and awaited their adoption by wealthy bald men.  An hour and a half later he was adopted.  His new parents were wonderful and their home was spacious and clean.  "Mom" and "Dad", as they liked to be called, enrolled him in school the following Monday.  His new life as a kindergartner would begin the next day.


Chapter 3

His first day of kindergarten was rather uneventful.  But when his mom dropped him off at school the next morning the blinding lights of news cameras and angry shouts of protesters blocked the entrance to the school.  Apparently the little tots had gone home the day before and told their parents about their dim-witted 17-year-old classmate.   " I don't want my daughter anywhere near that monster!" screamed one irate parent as she threw one of her daughter's cupcakes at the boy.  The mob of villagers screamed and waved their pitchforks back and forth while they burned a rather lifelike effigy of the boy on the steps of the school.   The boy didn't understand the purpose of the crowd, and to his mother's horror, he joined in their protest of himself.   Later that night, the boy played quietly while his parents sat in the kitchen discussing how they could get an education for their new son.  His father had bought him a Slinky on the way home from work and told him that it could walk down the stairs.  The boy loved the Slinky with all his heart and set it in motion from the top of the stairs.  He squealed and giggled with delight, clapping his hands as it made it's way down.  When it fell over the last stair and stopped he cried out in terror. He ran over to the Slinky and poked it with his finger.  It didn't move.  With tears in his eyes he gently lifted the Slinky, carried it out to the backyard, and in a quiet and somber memorial buried it with all the other Slinkys that he had "killed".


Chapter 4

For the next few months the boy stayed home from school watching cartoons and grieving over his Slinkys.  His parents couldn't find any school that would accept a 17-year-old kindergarten student.  It also didn't help that the mob of angry villagers followed the family everywhere they went.    The family trip to Disney world was a disaster.  The mob paid the Disney characters that wander around the park to tease and humiliate the boy every time they saw him.  To this day the sight of Goofy sends him into a crying tear-filled fit of seizures and vomiting.  After 3 months of endless harassment by the villagers the boy's mother had a nervous breakdown.  The father still loved his son but couldn't help but blame him for ruining their lives.  His icy cold stares of hatred seared into the boy from across the dinner table each night.  The boy noticed that the hatred then turned into anticipation around the same time that his food started "tasting bitter" and had a faint smell of almonds.   Late one night he crawled out his bedroom window and jumped a freight train out of town.  He once heard that a boy could make a good living on the pie eating contest circuit at state fairs.  This became his dream.  This would be his calling.  He would make a name for himself as a champion pie eater.  His parents would be so proud they would have to love him again.  At least for now, he had hope.


Chapter 5

The pie eating circuit was a hard life.  The competitions were very demanding and the training was difficult.  By spring he was ranked 4th in the nation and was on the cover of every magazine in America from "Pie Eaters Monthly" to "Pie Illustrated".  His manager booked him on Geraldo Rivera, but the episode entitled "He Eats Pies" never aired.  The network sensors decided that after they edited out all the profanity the show would only be 4 minutes long.  Fame went to his head.  People would come up to him on the street and beg him to eat their pies.  The supermodels and actresses that he dated hated the constant attention and rumors that followed him everywhere he went.  The minutes rolled into hours and the hours into days.  It had been a week since he ran away from home and suddenly, half way through a pie at the Glenndale County Fair, he realized that his life was no longer his own.  He stood up from the picnic table, wiped the blueberry of his chin, and to a crowd of 15 fans he said goodbye.   His final address to the crowd lasted 3 hours and 17 minutes and the 12 fans that remained until the end were shaken to the core by his oratory.  In the distance a single dove cried a mournful farewell as his bodyguards escorted him back to his motel room.  The news of his retirement traveled fast and by morning six more people knew about it.  He quietly packed his bag and left town by mid afternoon.  In his wake he left fame, celebrity, glamour and a trail of discarded sweet-tart wrappers.


Chapter 6

The boy spent the rest of the summer wandering around the countryside doing odd jobs.  He passed out flyers for a church pancake breakfast in Pikeville, Kentucky.  He was a fry cook at the McDonalds in Mt. Lebanon, Pennsylvania.  He worked in a doughnut shop in Independence, Missouri.  He was a law professor at East Carolina University, in North Carolina.  He stuffed fortune cookies in Cedar Rapids, Iowa.  He was an ocular surgeon in Ogden, Texas.  In Key West, Florida he sold mittens and snowmobile parts.   He was a launch commander for the Space Shuttle Endeavor during the ill-fated "send a class of first graders to the moon" mission.  And he finally ended up in Las Vegas, Nevada working at the Tropicana Hotel emptying ashtrays. 

 

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