|August 2002||September 2002|
June 1 Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddy's, and kids with fake IDs
June 2 Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
June 3 You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.
June 4 Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.
June 5 If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.
June 6 To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!
June 7 I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.
June 8 I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, 'cover for me.' Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.
June 9 Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leah and as smart as Yoda
10 Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby,
Welcome to Dumps Ville. Population: you.
11 Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just
like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night
12 Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or
lose: it's how drunk you get.
13 Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that
girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing
and such and such.
14 Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every
day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.
15 Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who
gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name?
16 We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those
Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?
17 Television - teacher, mother, secret lover!
18 Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're
making a scene.
19 If you don't like
your job, you don't strike. You just go in everyday and do it really half-assed.
That's the American Way.
20 Asleep at the switch?
I wasn't asleep, I was drunk!
21 This ticket doesn't
just give me a seat. It also gives me the right, no, the duty to make a complete
ass of myself.
22 Dear somebody you
never heard of, how is so-and-so. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Yours
truly, some Bozo.
23 You jive turkey. See
you've got to sass it. Quit jivin' me turkey. You've got to sass it. A turkey is
a bad person.
24 Give me my dignity. I
just came here to see 'Honk if you're horny' in peace.
25 Now, what is a
wedding? Well, Webster's Dictionary describes a wedding as the process of
removing weeds from one's garden.
26 Vampires are make
believe. Just like Elves, Gremlins, and Eskimos.
27 Crying isn't going to
bring the dog back ... unless your tears smell like dog food. Maybe if you ate a
lot of dog food, your tears would start to smell like dog food. So you can sit
here and eat can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog
food so it brings the dog back, or you can go out and find him
28 Remember, son, the
trick to avoiding jury duty is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
29 Oh, everything's too
damned expensive these days. This bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy
book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy.
30 Bart, a woman is like
a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother
just to get one!
1 When I first heard
that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany,
like that movie -- Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that
movie -- Police Academy.
2 Be quiet, Brain, or
I'll stab you with a Q-tip
3 If the Bible has
taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, its that girls should stick to girl's
sports, such as hot oil wrestling foxy boxy and such and such
4 Whoooa, that's hot.
There isn't a man alive who wouldn't get turned on by that. Well,
5 Hey there, Blimpy Boy,
flying through the sky so fancy free..
6 Mmmm, free goo!
7 The girls of the
internet. Ooh, I'd go online with them any day
8 A boy without mischief
is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.
9 Marge, send the kids
to the neighbors, I'm going to Moe's and coming back loaded.
10 Beer. Now there's a
11 You can't depend on
me all your life. You have to learn that there's a little Homer Simpson in all
12 When will I learn?
The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
13 Now, remember! As far
as anyone knows, we're a nice, normal family.
14 The code of the
schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. Don't
tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless
you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do.
15 And there's nothing
wrong with hitting someone when his back is turned.
16 Operator, give me the
number for 911!
17 And Lord, we are
especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest, safest energy source there
is. Except for solar, which is just a pipe dream.
July 18 Because sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves!
19 You heard me, I won't
be in for the rest of the week. ... I told you! My baby beat me up! ... No, it
is not the worst excuse I ever thought up.
20 Ah, good ol'
trustworthy beer. My love for you will never die.
21 Dear God, just give
me one channel!
22 Quiet you kids. If I
hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to watch cartoons, and Lisa doesn't get to
go to college.
23 Hey, just because I
don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!
24 Marge, I can't wear a
pink shirt to work. Everybody wears white shirts. I'm not popular enough to be
25 Oh, Marge, cartoons
don't have any deep meaning. They're just stupid drawings that give you a cheap
26 Yeah, you know, boys,
a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and
press the right buttons.
27 No matter how good
you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you.
28 If something's hard
to do, then it's not worth doing!
29 If something goes
wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.
30 Son, a woman is a lot
like a... a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make
ice, and... um... Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They
smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But
you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!
31 If you're going to
get mad at me every time I do something stupid, then I guess I'll just have to
stop doing stupid things!
1 It's not easy to
juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in
eight hours of TV a day.
2 Kids, kids. I'm not
going to die. That only happens to bad people.
3 Don't worry, Marge.
America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great
Britain, well, all of Europe, but you can thank your lucky stars we don't live
4 Donuts...is there
anything they CAN'T do?
5 All right brain, you
don't like me, and I don't like you. But let's just get me through this, and I
can get back to killing you with beer.
6 Marge, I'm going to
miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.
7 Oh, Lisa, you and your
stories. "Bart is a vampire." "Beer kills brain cells." Now
let's go back to that...building...thingy, where our beds and TV...is.
8 Kill my boss? Do I
dare to live out the American dream?
9 Aw, people can come up
with statistics to prove anything. 14
percent of all people know that.
10 Aw, Dad. You've done
a lot of great things, but you're a very old man now, and old people are
11 Ah, TV respects me.
It laughs with me, not at me!
12 $10,000, we'd be
millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
13 Marge, I agree with
you -- in theory. In theory, communism works. In theory.
14 Kids, you tried your
best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
15 In America, first you
get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women...
16 Marge, please, old
people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can
be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal
17 Come on, Marge, I
want to shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I want to explore the world.
I want to watch TV in a different time zone. I want to visit strange, exotic
malls. I'm sick of eating hoagies. I want a grinder, a sub, a foot-long hero...I
want to live, Marge! Won't you let me live?
18 I've always wondered
if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me.
19 The information
superhighway showed the average person what some nerd thinks about Star Trek.
Uh, Lisa, the whole reason we have
elected officials is so we don't have to think all the time. Just like that
rainforest scare a few years back, our officials saw there was a problem and
they fixed it, didn't they?
21 Kids, kids, kids. As
far as Daddy's concerned, you're both potential murderers.
22 Marge, you being a
cop makes you the man...which makes me the woman. I have no interest in that,
besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which, as we discussed, is strictly
a comfort thing
23 Forty seconds? But I
want it now!
24 All normal people
love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo
Goober! Where's the meat!?'. I'm trying to impress people here Lisa. You don't
win friends with salad.
25 "To Start Press
Any Key". Where's the ANY key? I see Esk, Catarl, and Pig-Up. There doesn't
seem to be any ANY key. Woo! All this computer hacking is making me thirsty. I
think I'll order a TAB.
August 26 The slim lazy Homer you knew is dead. Now I'm a big fat dynamo! And where's that cake?
August 27 Well, I'm tired of being a wannabe league bowler. I wanna be a league bowler!
28 What's the point of
going out? We're just gonna wind up back here anyway.
29 I guess some people
never change. Or, they quickly change and then quickly change back.
30 Pftt... Rules. I'm a
rocker, I don't care for rules.
31 Oh, Marge. I thought
I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich.
I hope I didn't brain my damage.
2 Well of course,
everything looks bad if you remember it.
3 Ooh, look at me! I'm
making people happy! I'm the magical man from Happyland, in a gumdrop house on
Lollipop Lane! Oh, by the way: I was being sarcastic.
4 Your mother seems
really upset about something. I better go have a talk with her -- during the
5 You can't keep blaming
yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on.
6 Oh, honey, you're not
the world's worst mother. What about that freezer lady in Georgia?
7 I hope you learned
your lesson, Lisa. Never help anyone.
8 I don't have to be
careful. I got a gun.
9 Hello, son. I wanna
apologize. I just got so caught up trying to encourage you I was blinded to your
stinky performance. If you forgive me I promise I'll never encourage you again.
10 Facts are
meaningless, you can use facts to prove anything that's remotely true!
11 Trying is the first
step towards failure.
12 My campaign is a
disaster, Moe. I hate the public so much. If only they'd elect me, I'd make them
13 If you really need
money, you can sell your kidney or even your car.
14 Stupid risks make
life worth living.
15 The sun? That's the
hottest place on Earth.
16 Good drink... good
meat... good God, let's eat!
17 Mmmmm... reprocessed pig fat...
18 Homer no function beer well without.
19 Ah, beer, my one weakness. My Achille's heel, if you
20 Ah, the college road trip. What better way to spread
21 All right, let's not
panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.
22 And how is education
supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it
pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking
course, and I forgot how to drive?
23 Awww, 20 dollars?!? I
wanted a peanut.
24 Bart, you're saying
butt-kisser like it's a bad thing!
25 "Dear Homer, IOU
one emergency donut. Signed Homer." Bastard! He's always one step ahead.
26 Do I know what
27 Do you want to change
your name to Homer, Jr.? The kids can call you Hoju!
28 Does whisky count as
30 Don't eat me. I have
a wife and kids. Eat them.