The Wide World of News
Decenber 25th, 2004
Spiderman 2 Breaks Opening Day Record for Most Nerds Gathered in Single Theater
Question of the Day
Are Bullies Reincarnated as Penguins?
Wide World of News Financial
projectalan.com (NYSE: PAC) fell sharply Tuesday when analysts confirmed stockholders fears of the impending
Sasha's World Halloween Photos Part 1 of 16 scheduled to launch in the next week or two.
Projectalan.com's new Sasha-driven format has market analysts worried.
A year ago, it [projectalan] consistently put out high quality entertainment
news. "Now, all we see are baby pictures", lamented Ricky
Linderman, stock analyst for Charles Schwab, Inc. "I mean, the kid is super cute. We all can
see that. What worries me is that we wonąt get to read a review for Saw", and
that has many investors ready to dump their shares.
Barely Interesting Website Becomes Completely Boring
Movie Reviewer and amateur comedy writer Alan Wiseman, has turned his website into a tedious shrine to his newborn daughter. The cutesy yawn-fest known as Sasha's World has become the dominant source of new content on the once great site. Although many readers were initially interested in Sasha's birth, no one could have imagined how quickly the website would collapse into a constant, never-ending, near-psychotic barrage of redundant baby pictures and trivial developmental updates.
Former fans of the website have wanted to voice their displeasure but are unsure of how to broach the subject. "I just want to grab that stupid camera away from him and smash it into a thousand pieces!" said a fan who only wanted to be referred to as Larry F. "If I see one more picture of that dumb baby, I'm gonna puke!"
"I mean, I used to love going to the website each day for new movie information and perhaps a comedy paper or surf journal update." said a longtime fan and instructor at Ohio State University. "Now I maybe click on once a week and immediately click "back" when I see those dreaded words - 'Sasha's World Update'. I mean really, who cares if the brat smiled for the 263rd time!"
While some hold out hope that Wiseman will one day return to his brilliant film analysis, mildly amusing comedy and other slightly interesting pursuits, most believe that all is lost at projectalan.com. "It's the Titanic of websites now and it's sinking fast." said former devoted reader Grandpa Bill Johnson. "It's run headlong into a big dull iceberg named 'Sasha' and even though the band's still playing, there soon won't be anybody left who cares to listen."
Bush Threatens Nuclear Annihilation of any Country
that Attempts to Develop Nuclear Technology
The speech came as Bush faces criticism because no prohibited unconventional weapons have been found in Iraq. "I swear to the One True Christian God that I will rain a Nuclear Fire of Righteousness down upon any country that even thinks about crafting a nuclear device." screamed Bush as he bashed his fist upon the podium and wiped a string of saliva from his cruel twisted down-turned mouth.
"Our message to nuclear proliferators must be consistent and must be clear: We will find you, and we will erase you, your family and perhaps your entire country from existence." expounded the U.S. President. "We have a WMD right now that uses microwaves and can cook those we deem guilty from the inside out if they don't back down."
Star Wars Special Edition DVD: Lucas Digitally
Replaces Unpopular Minor Character, Han Solo, With Fan Favorite Jar Jar
"From what I understand, fans never really liked the character Han Solo." said Lucas in a recent interview. "So I decided to digitally erase him from the master prints and insert the delightfully loveable Jar Jar Binks into the role."
Purists may still be disappointed with the new revisions, but the Binks character does boost the underdeveloped role that was almost destroyed by the inept performance of a young Harrison Ford. "I really wanted to fire him after the first picture." said Lucas. "He's just such a wimpy character when compared with Luke Skywalker."
Some scenes from the films have taken on a greater depth with Jar Jar in the role. For example, the dramatic love triangle between Luke, Leia and Jar Jar is now a hilarious never-ending series of pratfalls and fart jokes. Also instead of being flash-frozen in carbonite at Cloud City, as Solo was at the end of Episode V, Binks now stumbles into a candy apple factory and trips into a vat of caramel. "Meesa Sticky-icky Goo-Goo" says Binks as Boba Fett delivers the dazed Gungan to Jabba's Palace.
Besides the addition of Jar Jar to the trilogy, the other enhancement that Lucas is most proud of is also the one he is most secretive about. "Two words," giggled Lucas. "More Ewoks!"
Surface of Mars Even More Boring Than Previously
Other NASA scientists have echoed Herkenhoff's disappointment. "When I signed up to work at NASA I thought it would be all about space-babes and laser battles," said Flight Director Chris 'Han Solo' Lewicki, "but now all I want to do is take a Quantum Leap off this boring-ass project and get back to work on my lightsaber."
Despite the boring and mundane discoveries thus far, other NASA scientists insist that the mission has merit and will yield valuable scientific information. "For example, we have found that dust storms happen on Mars just like they do on Earth!" Rob Sullivan excitedly gushed on Friday during a news conference. "I mean just think about that! Can you imagine it? A dust storm on Mars! It's crazy!"
NASA hopes that in the coming days and weeks the Spirit will be able to roll another few feet and investigate the rock that is obstructing 90% of its optic resonance capabilities.
Straight Male Friends Forget to Sit One Seat Apart at Movie Theater, Results in Uncontrollable Gay Make-Out Session
Best friends Tony Pinucci and Gil Cunningham went to see the new disaster film, The Day After Tomorrow, at the Palisades Mall on Friday afternoon. To their horror, they realized too late that they had accidentally sat right next to each other in the theater. Although Tony is married and Gil is considered 'quite the ladies man' the two were powerless to control the homosexual tendencies brought about by their close proximity.
"As soon as the movie began, we just started making out like crazy!" said Pinucci, "It was like, all I could think about was getting my tongue in Gil's soft wet mouth." Cunningham was also puzzled by his own behavior: "I found out that another dude's button fly jeans are almost impossible to get open with popcorn butter on your fingers."
Although Pinucci and Cunningham have remained friends, they don't plan on going to see another movie together for at least a few weeks. "We kind of need a cooling down period before Spiderman 2 comes out," said Cunningham. "That's for sure, " said Pinucci, "and this time were going to sit in separate rows!"
Bush and Kerry Employ Clever Use of Ellipses to
Mislead Voters...and Attack Each...Other
The latest Bush ad quotes Kerry as saying, "I, John Kerry, am... a good friend of... Osama bin Laden." The actual quote was "I, John Kerry, am sick of the way the Bush campaign continues to waste the lives of our troops in Iraq. A good friend of mine died on September 11th and it was Osama bin Laden that was responsible, not Saddam Hussein."
The quote "My name is George Bush...and I'm a big...stupid...retard." was used in a recent Kerry attack ad. The actual unedited quote by Bush was "My name is George Bush, your President, and I'm a big supporter of Medicare. I think that any attempt to cut Medicare funding would be stupid and would inevitably retard the entire system of benefits that seniors in this country deserve."
Although it is relatively early in the campaign season it is expected that ads such as these will continue until the November election. The next series of commercials are expected to use digital "Forrest Gump" technology to show Air National Guard fighter pilot George Bush flying American Airlines Flight 11 into the north tower of the World Trade Center and John Kerry dressed as a Lesbian in Massachusetts applying for a marriage license.
Jesus Reviews Mel Gibson's The Passion of The
Christ, "That Ain't How It Happened!"
Look, I was there, so I think I'm the best authority on how it all went down and I gotta tell you, that ain't how it happened. I believe the book that Gibson used as the source material is riddled with inaccuracies, lies, and a lot of junk that people just made up so it's not really his fault. Don't get me wrong, I like Mel Gibson. Those first two Lethal Weapon movies rocked! (See my reviews "Lethal Weapon: Jesus Loves It, This I Know" and "Lethal Weapon 2: Wow, This Sequel So Kicks Ass!")
I don't want to say the whole film was bad but honestly, The Passion of the Christ was so gory I almost puked! It was like, gross. If it had been that bloody in real life I would have totally fainted. I'm really squeamish about that sort of thing and I have a very low tolerance for pain. One time I got a splinter when I was making a cabinet for this guy and I was afraid of wood for like three months after.
And while we're talking about scary, that Satan-guy in the film was terrifying. I almost pee'd my robe. I hope the real Satan never sees the film because he would be so embarrassed. They really got his role all wrong. He's not that bad. We play cards sometimes!
Also, as long as we're talking with candor, I have to say that Monica Bellucci is about a gazillion times hotter than the real Mary Magdalene was. Seriously, if I was dating a chick that sexy I would have never let them crucify me. I might have died for sin, but it would have been my own, if you know what I'm talking about.
Anyway, I didn't really like The Passion of the Christ. It brought back a lot of old memories I would have rather forgotten. It was always my greatest wish that people wouldn't dwell on it.
New Fox Reality Show, Who Wants to Marry a Midget, Deemed Not Offensive Enough
The new Fox show The Littlest Groom did not connect with viewers as expected during February sweeps. The show consisted of a 23 year old dwarf named Glen Foster (see photo left of Fox Logo) who attempts to find true love. A bevy of little midget women were set out for his perusal and even a few "normals" (non-freak women) were thrown in to mix it up, but viewers just did not tune in. Dani Behr, the host of the show believes that the problem was that the program was "just not offensive enough."
Fox programming has conceded that the show did not meet it's high viewer standards and has announced that the new Spring season will see a retooled version of the series tentatively called: Who Wants to Marry My Retarded Little Brother? (see photo right of Fox Logo)
"We thought it was funny but we have learned from our mistakes and have tried to create a new show that will really relate with our core audience" say executive producers Eric Schotz and Bill Paolantonio. "We apologize and hope that the night vision hidden camera bedroom footage for this new show is even hotter than the stuff we got with the midgets."
Bush Administration's Promised Shock and Awe Campaign Finally Arrives
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has taken the first step toward correcting the Iraqi prisoner abuse scandal by creating a directive that will ban the use of all cameras and other recording equipment in and around military facilities. "If we catch anybody-- including those terrorist lovin' Amnesty International bastards-- near our prison facilities we will chop off their hands and feed them to our dogs while they watch." said Rumsfeld.
U.S. Brigadier General Janis Karpinski of the 800th Military Police Brigade has also apologized for being caught abusing the prisoners. "I can't believe someone actually took pictures of the broomstick rapes and other atrocities we were committing, that's just sick!"
Top U.S. military officer in Iraq, Army Lt. Gen. Ricardo Sanchez has said that neither he, nor anyone under his command, gave orders to "soften-up" detainees. Sanchez claims that based on the photos he has seen, "It looks like that one little girl (Pfc. Lynndie England) just went totally bonkers and carried out all those atrocities on her own," said the General, "If anyone is to blame for this, it is her and her alone."
Mars Astronomers Attempt to Discover Who Keeps
Launching Robots and Crap at Their Planet
"It wasn't too big of a deal in the 1960's with their Mariner missions and then the Voyager's in the 70's," stated a Martian State Department official, "Those were mostly just orbital and sub-orbital. But then that creepy little Pathfinder in 1997 almost caught me coming out of the shower!"
At 3:23am on September 27, 1997 the Pathfinder Sojourner was disabled by Martian authorities as it was attempting to flee from the scene of a accident involving a Martian school bus. 47 nursery school students were injured as the Sojourner blindly steered into oncoming traffic.
Martian public outrage had calmed in the years since the school bus tragedy but was again riled when this new alien craft landed a few weeks ago. "As soon we find out who keeps sending this junk to our planet they are so dead," stated the Martian President in his State of the Planet address. "Make no mistake: Mars will hunt down and punish those responsible for these cowardly acts. The resolve of our great planet is being tested. But make no mistake: We will pass this test. God bless."
McDonalds and Burger King form an Unholy Alliance to Promote The Passion of the Christ
In an unprecedented move of corporate greed and blasphemy, McDonalds and Burger King united under the Cross of the Christ to promote their Easter themed children's Happy Meals. The campaign, named "The McPassion of the Burger King of Kings" is available for a limited time only. McDonalds and Burger King have issued a press release to explain the unusual cross-corporate promotion. "We've seen the box office figures for the last few weeks and believe that America is dying for a Jesus themed Happy Meal." The statement went further to explain that "Easter weekend seemed like an opportune moment to jump on the Crucifixion bandwagon and ride the Jesus wave!"
Mel Gibson's film, The Passion of the Christ, has become the most talked about film of the year. It has already grossed more than $354.9 million in the U.S. alone and is now the eighth-highest grossing domestic film of all time, behind "Jurassic Park." Easter weekend provided a "second coming" for the film as it shot back up to the number one box office position with a holiday weekend gross of over $17 million. "Christ came back with a vengeance," said one industry insider, "and I believe that the Happy Meal tie-in was partly responsible."
The "Last Supper Happy Meals" contain the standard hamburger, fries and a small drink but also include a plastic Burger King Crown of Thorns and two McCrucifixion Nails that the children can affix to their wrists as seen below:
The ungodly amount of money earned by the film has generated a huge amount of Passion of the Christ product licensing. Golgatha snow globes feature the bloodied Christ on the cross during a beautiful delicate snowfall. Those wishing to bring Jesus into their car or truck can choose from the "Floor Mats of the Christ" collection. The Passion of the Christ Soundtrack has been soaring off the shelves and features 2 hours and 20 minutes of Christ's suffering and agony for your listening pleasure. A hidden bonus track offers an extended version of the scourging where he actually screams out the words "Jesus Christ that hurts!"
With the DVD of the film slated for a late fall 2004 release, expect another promotional flood of Biblical proportions. Don't be surprised if you see 100's of bloody little Passion of the Christ Halloween costumes on you doorstep this season. Walmart has scripted Halloween inspired phrases for the children to use while wearing the costume such as: "Why have you forsaken me? Give me candy!" and "The power of Christ compels you to give me a treat!"
Mel Gibson has been quoted as being "very pleased" with the overwhelming response to the film and is "thrilled" with the world wide box office receipts and merchandising thus far. He intends to use most of his new found Passion windfall to support his other passions which include high-end hookers and mountains of cocaine.
Easily Amused Man Finds Hilarious Hidden Meaning in Gift Shop Sign
For former Michigan native Alan Wiseman, a summer camping trip up North resulted in an uproarious roadside comedy photo opportunity. "We were just driving along listening to my Steve Miller Band Greatest Hits 1974-1978 CD," said Wiseman. "Then I noticed this sign that said 'Pot Shop' and I was like, no way, I did not just see that!" Wiseman then explained how he convinced his wife to allow him to delay their vacation, turn around the car, drive back to the sign and pose for a picture in front of it.
"I don't know what the big deal was." said Holly Wiseman. "He thought it was so funny that we had to drive back to take a stupid picture. He is such an dork."
"See how the sign says 'Pot Shop'?" exclaimed a still giggling Wiseman, making little air-quotes with his fingers, to a clerk at the Walmart photo lab later that day. Wiseman then pantomimed smoking, winked at the confused clerk, and walked away pretending to be off balance.