The Wide World of News
December 25, 2003
Role Re-Cast: Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King to feature fan favorite Jar Jar as Gollum. "Meesa so hoppy about dis opatoony! Da ring esa muy pretty no?" says Binks.
Question of the Day
Question of the Day
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Bush Addresses the Troops - "Hunt them down! Do not stop until they are found! You do not know pain, you do not know fear. You will taste
Iraqi man-flesh. The Battle for Middle-East Begins!"
"One by one," said Bush, "the Free Lands of Middle-East will fall to the power of the Ring." A red sun rises in the East, blood will be spilt in a fortnight. To the United Nations General Assembly Bush threatened, "I gave you the chance of aiding me willingly, but you have elected the way of pain!"
When asked what she will do with her new post-war power, National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice said, "I do not deny that my heart has greatly desired this. In place of a Dark Lord you will have a Queen! Not dark but beautiful and terrible as the Morning! Treacherous as the Sea! Stronger than the foundations of the earth! All shall love me and despair!"
Gen. Hussam Amin, head of Iraq's National Monitoring Directorate warned Hussein that "Concealed within his White House fortress, the Dark Lord of the West sees all. His gaze pierces cloud, shadow, earth, and flesh. You know of what I speak, Saddam: a great Eye, lidless, wreathed in flame." Hussein's advisor then counseled that he "Take some rest. These borders are well protected." Hussein slumped in his chair with head in hands, "Dark have been my days of late. I will find no rest here. I heard his voice inside my head. He spoke of his father's assassination attempt and the fall of Iraq. I am a noble man, but my rule is failing, and our people lose faith. My son Uday looks to me to make things right and I would do it. I would see the glory of Iraq restored."
British Prime Minister Tony Blair has been more than eager to serve Bush, even against the will of his own people. The power Bush holds over Blair is evident. In a speech to Parliament, Blair said "We swears to serve the master of the precious. We swears on...on... on the precious!" When asked to prove his allegiance Blair stated that, "Together, my lord Bush, we shall rule this Middle-East. The old world will burn in the fires of industry. Forests will fall. A new order will rise. We will drive the machine of war on the fuel we will soon have from our rich and abundant oil wells." Blair seems oblivious to the fact that there is only one Lord of the Ring, only one who can bend it to his will. And he does not share power.
There will be no dawn ... for Iraq. Ours is an army bred for a single purpose - to take those oil fields. The world is changing. Who now has the strength to stand up against both Blair and Bush...and the union of the two towers?
Weapon of Mass Destruction Found,
The U.S. State Department is happy to report that it has finally discovered one of Iraq's hidden Weapons of Mass Destruction. The WMD was unearthed in a secret roadside bunker that was recently deserted by the mythical Iraqi Republican Guard. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld explained that the weapon, identified as a Russian Kalashnikov rifle, could have been reloaded hundreds of thousands of times and killed millions of people. "This is why we invaded and bombed the hell out of Iraq. A civilized society like ours cannot stand by and allow a savage killing machine like this to exist."
Former Chief U.N. Weapons inspector Hans Blix conceded that Operation Iraqi Freedom can now be considered a "complete success," and he apologized for not being able to locate the weapon in the weeks allotted prior to the inevitable invasion.
Hollywood has also recognized the error of its crazy anti-war stance. Susan Sarandon, Michael Stipe, Jeananne Garafalo and Martin Sheen all apologized publicly for their mistaken belief that the entire war was nothing more than a childish 911 retaliation against a defenseless and oppressed Arab citizenry, solely for the purpose of taking control and custody of a sovereign nation's own oil wells. "I had no idea they had a Kalashnikov!" stated an embarrassed Mike Farrell. "Now I understand why all those crazy Muslim terrorist children had to die."
New National Anti-Phone Solicitation List Expected to
Cause Devastating Unemployment in Federal Prison System
Unfortunately Feeler may never get the chance to increase his monthly sales figures. The federal government, on Friday, launched a national "do-not-call" registry aimed at stopping most telemarketing phone calls to people who regard the sales pitches as invasive and want them blocked. Officials said they expect 60 million people to register eventually.
Tele-marketing companies expect to cut at least 2 million jobs when the registry goes into effect in October. "This is the first job I was really good at," said Derek 'Pig Sticker' Reed. "First they lock me up in here with four concurrent life sentences for slicing up that cop and his family while they slept in their fancy cop house and now The Man is takin this away from me too! Damn!"
Fortunately Nike has offered to shift production from some of its tennis and basketball shoe facilities in Malaysia to select prisons back in the U.S. "We want to get America working again." said Nike CEO Philip Knight. "Unlike those lazy ungrateful money grubbing Asian children who demanded 42 cents an hour last year, these cons will work for 37 cents a day! Now that's a labor market I want to be in business with!"
Star Trek Nemesis Beams Down To
Theatres Everywhere, Nerds Rejoice
To further accommodate the "Trekies", theatres provided a "containment field" around each patron who showed up in costume. "This is for their protection as much as ours," said Coonan. Apparently many geeks were savagely beaten at the last premier when they asked other theatre goers if they wanted to "marry in the traditional Betazoid fashion."
"Although my positronic brain does not allow for emotion, I am totally stoked!" exclaimed one excited man. "The last time I felt this way was when I successfully repaired the psionic resonator and was able to help the Captain apply a plasma infuser in Jefferies tube 14 to calibrate the starboard nacelle!"
Although marketing for the film has suggested that this will be the last in the series, Star Trek fans seem nonplused. "It's never going to end," snickered one nerd after seeing the film. "Maybe in this space time continuum but that's only one of millions."
11 Year Old Trades 160 Million Year Old Trilobite for 3
Yu-Gi-Oh Trading Cards
Rowland is not the only child swept up by the excitement of the game. Since the cards were introduced in the United States in March 2002, more than 412,000 kids have registered nationwide to play in Yu-Gi-Oh leagues.
When she's not watching the Yu-Gi-Oh cartoon on TV or battling with her opponents Madelyn spends time on line at the downtown plasma bank with her friends trying to raise cash for more cards. "I got a decent number of Monster cards and Magic cards but I really need to hustle-up more Trap cards if I'm gonna do any serious damage." says Rowland. "This boy I know just scored a complete Kaiba deck. I might have to pawn that U.S. Mint Quarters of the 50 States Collection Grandma and Grandpa gave me for Christmas. How much do you think I can get for it?"
State of Virginia Delighted Over Potential Opportunity to Test "Little Sparky"
Teen sniper defendant Lee Boyd Malvo has had his upcoming trial moved to Chesapeake, in southeastern Virginia. He is charged with the October 14 shooting of FBI analyst Linda Franklin. Together, 17-year-old Malvo and alleged accomplice John Allen Muhammad 42, have been charged with 10 killings in the Washington, D.C. area last fall, and have been linked to slayings in Louisiana, Alabama, Georgia and Washington state.
Because of its reputation of unbridled enthusiasm for execution (second only to Texas) the State of Virginia was the easy choice for prosecution of the child.
"Virginia is one of the few States with a device specifically designed for killing children!" boasted Prosecutor Robert Horan. "Lil' Sparky was originally fashioned for misbehaving infants and toddlers, but we can strap a teen in just as easy if we take out that feeding tray."
Due to the highly publicized nature of the crime, and the fact that the trial has been moved to a more conservative area of Virginia, it is fairly certain that Malvo will in fact be executed before he reaches adulthood. "If we get em' while they're young then we can all sleep a little easier," said Horan. "Lord knows you can't rehabilitate a mixed up kid."
United Nations Weapons Inspector Leaps
From Van, Attempts to Assassinate Large Painting of Saddam Hussein
After seven days of searching, weapons inspectors have yet to find any evidence of chemical or biological weapons, long-range missiles, or nuclear weapons capability. "They gotta be here somewhere!," screamed Wood as he waved his gun at the portrait. "They're all lying! I wanna go home! I hate it here."
Chief Weapons Inspector Hans Blix apologized for Wood's behavior in a statement after he finished his Hot Wings at Hooters Baghdad. "Dr. Wood has been instructed not to attack any more artwork for the duration of the inspections. I think we can all agree that this will solve the problem," said Blix.
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld was quoted as saying that the official U.S. position on the episode is that the work of art obviously "provoked the incident."
Winter Returns to the Northern States, Locals
Begin Annual Celebration of Denial
"My favorite thing about the season is when the protective liquid that covers my eyeballs freezes and the snot dripping out of my nose instantly crystallizes," said a drunken motorist as he scraped the 3 inch layer of ice off his windshield before leaving for work.
"There's a kind of magic in the air," noted a consumer purchasing lengths of rope for her family at the local Home Depot. Other retail establishments are also reaping the benefits of the season. Sales of the just released Kurt Cobain Diaries are flying off the shelves at local bookstores. "It's the best kind of reading for this time of year," remarked Schuler Books Employee of the Month Mark Fisher. "When someone comes up to me weeping with despair I always recommend this book to help them through the harder months."
Psychotic Pro-Life Rapists Rejoice
Over Possibility of Roe v. Wade Reversal
One group especially pleased with the idea of restricting women's rights are psychotic stranger rapists. "When I grab a 12 year old girl and drag her into an alley to give her my gift, I expect her to live up to her responsibilities and love our child!" said Johnny Con, a three times charged, one time convicted serial rapist. "My children should be permitted to live and the "rights" of my victim should not be allowed to interfere with the rights of our offspring!"
A senior resident doctor, at Our Lady of Sister Mercy General Hospital, explained that it would be easier to deal with potentially fatal complications resulting from pregnancy. "Now that the women have no choice, it's easier to tell them that they will certainly die an excruciating death sometime during the pregnancy or birthing process."
Roone Delgata of Hickton, Arkansas is probably happier than most because he's wanted a new baby in the house ever since he lost his wife. His teenage daughters, however, have always threatened that they would "abort" his attempts to keep his seed in the family. "Them girls ain't gonna have no choice now. They can't stay awake forever. I'm gonna make me a baby boy like I always wanted!"
In an attempt to cut off the oncoming flood of rape-induced pregnancies, police have started passing out condoms to rapists as they are released from prison. Even this simple preventative act is apparently an "abomination in the eye of God's chosen fetal lifeguards" said the Right to Life Committee's legislative director, Douglas Johnson.
Jeff White, of Operation Rescue-California reminded listeners at a recent Pro-Life rally to "Don't just think of all the babies that will get to live, think about all the abortion doctors that we won't have to kill!" White then presented his surveillance photos of local "baby butchers" and invited attendee's to pledge a dollar for every one he "sends to Hell."
Campers at Camp X-Ray in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba Not having Fun Anymore; Want to Go Home
The Camp X-Ray, suspected terrorist detainment facility at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba is not the happy summer adventure that many campers expected. "They don't have any craft classes, there are no canoe trips, the food sucks and they've kept us here for 18 months now. I wanna go home!" wailed one camper as he was removed from the genital electro-shock torture chair late Wednesday night. Most campers that have not had their tongues removed expressed similar sentiment.
"I miss my family," said camper #595672, "I had a newborn daughter when I came here. She will be celebrating her second birthday in a couple weeks. I just wish I could see her again but they burned my eyes out with acid during my last 'Question-Time' session."
Camp counselors have expressed concern over the last few weeks due to the increase in suicide by the camper population. "We just don't understand it." said one staff advisor. "We starve em' for 36 hours and then march em' in circles under the blazing hot sun while playing Christian Gospel music. They ought to be having the time of their lives here! It's like a jamboree!"
"I have been getting a lot of exercise," noted camper #347625. "My upper arm strength has significantly increased since they had me start digging my own grave but I cannot really say it has been a fun time."
One starving and dehydrated camper dropped to his knees after an "accidental" bludgeoning an wept, "I speak to Allah daily but the counselors force us to pray to the North and I fear He cannot hear me. Perhaps it is as counselor Tim said when he told us that Allah is as dead as we will soon be."
Despite complaints, the population of Camp X-Ray is expected to rise significantly in the months to come as more campers are rounded up around the globe. "I thought I would never see my brother again," remarked camper #939673. "But when they let me out of the 'discipline hole' on thursday he was lying in the bunk next to mine. I guess most of my family will be here by the end of the year."
Operation Human Shield Fails to Shield Against Weapons of Any Kind
Most of the protesters were immediately incinerated due to their proximity to the blast radius. The Iraqi target, a bomb factory disguised as a children's hospital and puppy sanctuary, was instantly vaporized along with the human shields that were "protecting" it.
The few remaining members of Operation Human Shield have returned home to reorganize and develop new strategies to protest the impending war. "We realize now that we may have overestimated our ability to defend Iraq against invasion by the most powerful military force the planet has ever seen." said one demoralized little girl. "Our new idea is to dress like Iraqi soldiers and run toward coalition forces in the dark with toy guns screaming in Arabic. We hope our message of peace will be better understood this time."
Desperate Parents Initiate "Amber Alert
System" to Find Missing TV Remote Control
"If anybody out there has the Peterson's remote control we just want them to return it. No questions will be asked." said the Austin Chief of Police.
Impassioned pleas by the Peterson's have thus far been fruitless. "Please don't hurt our remote! We love our remote! We just want our remote back."
The Peterson's T.V. is currently stuck on the WB Network. If the remote is not located in the next few hours they will be forced to watch Charmed tonight.
Distracting Roadside Memorial Causes Deadly Twelve Car Pile Up
The driver of a cub scout laden minivan, Saturday, heading North on I-95 was momentarily distracted by a roadside memorial for a dead teen drunk driving victim. The mini van veered from it's lane and was instantly crushed by a cement truck which flipped over the median and plowed directly into oncoming rush hour traffic. Once the dust settled and the fires burned down, twelve vehicles had been totaled and all drivers and passengers were dead or dying.
The driver of the mini van described, before he was taken off life support, how he was distracted by the balloons that had recently been affixed to the lone white cross that was raised in remembrance of high school sophomore Jef "Jello-Shooter" Till.
The Department of Highway Safety has asked relatives and mourners to not place any additional roadside memorials at the site of the accident.
Kangaroo vs. Mr. Rogers, Has Celebrity Boxing Gone Too Far?
The trash talk continued as Captain Kangaroo, flanked by bodyguards, climbed into the ring and stood upon the top rope shouting that he was "The Peoples Kangaroo" and that Rogers would be going back to his neighborhood "in a body bag."
23 seconds into the first round Rogers landed a devastating roundhouse that dropped the Captain for the full 10 count.
"How you like dat," Rodgers screamed down at his fallen opponent in a spray of blood, sweat and spit. "Who da Captain now chump!"
Plans for the highly anticipated re-match have yet to be announced.
Terrorists Delighted to Learn of New Exploitable Weakness in American Infrastructure
"Ahh yes...Darkness. This is something that we can definitely use to our advantage when we unleash our terrifically wicked yet holy and justified Jihad against the American infidels," said a masked al Qaeda representative via video tape in reference to last month's blackouts. "It is wonderful news that Allah has provided us the means to completely disable them by cutting what appears to be a single power cable in Ohio."
The power outage which affected the entire North East of the United States and part of Canada was not the result of a terrorist attack. However, Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge has suggested that another $23 Billion be spent to "investigate" the outage, and insists that The Patriot Act be amended to include suspension of civil rights for all Americans who use electricity. "We don't know who may have caused this," said Ridge in a statement at a second grade musical production of The Wizard of OZ, "but it was definitely an 'inside job' and somebody's gonna pay!"
Meanwhile terrorist groups the world over have now incorporated a pre-strike disorientation blackout into their plans of attack. "They are like helpless babies without their precious electricity," said one bin Laden loyalist somewhere in the caves of Northern Afghanistan. "Without their inane Friends re-runs and decadent automatic apple peelers they are weak and lost."
Unfortunately power plants in the United States and the infrastructure that support them are hopelessly outdated. Federal and State plans to build a new modern network have been met with swift resistance from tax payers unwilling to allow for an emergency tax to be added to their utility bills. "I'd sooner see my daughter read by candle light!" said angry Michigan resident Mark Fisher when told of the proposed two cent tax increase. "I'd rather just spend the two cents on a coupla extra bullets up at Walmart and end my family's suffering right here and now!"
No One "Featured" on New Hip Hop Song. Music Industry Confused, CD Buyers Outraged
The first single released from the new Nas album Killmatic Thugz Mansion Part 2 apparently features no one but the artist himself. Early reviews seem baffled by the lack of guest stars, supporting playas, or feat's.
"I don't understand it." said former Nas collaborator Jully Black. "He coulda called me and I woulda come down to the studio and added some tracks. I ain't even been doin' nuthin' but playin' Madden '04 for the last few months anyway."
Nas fans, who have heard the new song "Trunkfulla Bitches", are extremely vexed by the omission of any additional artists as well. "How he be thinking I'z gonna drop skrilla on a single wit jus him on it?" said one upset 4th grader. "I was straight-up spun for a week when I heard it. Don't make no sense."
A Sony Label spokesperson released a statement saying that the next song released off the album "will feat. no fewer than 4 additional artists" and will hopefully restore balance to the hip-hop rap universe.
God Unleashes Terror Attack on Eastern United States. Bush Administration Promises Swift and Horrible Retaliation.
God sent Hurricane Isabel to decimate the East Coast of the United States last week in what Homeland Security officials are calling the worst terrorist attack in recent history. The States of North Carolina, Virginia, and Maryland seemed to have been the primary targets of the attack by the vengeful deity. The storm killed 40 people and left 6 million power customers without service as far north as New York.
Immediately following the attack the Bush administration launched a full tactical nuclear strike on Heaven. It is unclear at the moment whether God is alive or dead. "We have teams combing through the debris and rubble but intelligence says that He was there at the time of impact." said Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.
It is hoped that the early retaliatory strike took God by surprise. However, unnamed government officials fear that God may have escaped and gone into hiding like other popular U.S. targets Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden.
In addition to the terrible loss of life, thousands of injuries, and billion dollar damage to property, some residents had it even worse. Having gone for 4 days before her power was restored, local Virginia Beach resident Holly Wiseman said, "I hope they make that bastard (God) pay for this! He made me miss the season premiere episode of Survivor and I had to throw away the condiments that had spoiled in my refrigerator."
In an address to the Nation, President Bush echoed the loss of television and condiments and assured the public that "although the war against God will be long and hard, will likely cost trillions of dollars and the lives of millions of soldiers, we will have vengeance for His cowardly attack on our freedom."
Heartwarming Form Letters From Troops in Iraq Tell of
"Good Times and New Friends"