The Wide World of News
July 8, 2004
Spiderman 2 Breaks Opening Day Record for Most Nerds Gathered in Single Theater
Question of the Day
Newly Installed Iraqi Leaders Are Literally Puppets;
"The Color Green" and "Learning to Share" Top Platform Agenda
"Everybody assumed we were going to install a puppet regime anyway," laughed Bremer as he packed his personal effects. "Now at least that won't be a talking point." Bremer then added, "I hate these people so much. Screw Iraq! I'm just glad to get out of this hell hole." Bremer then fired his staff, grabbed some looted artifacts from the Iraqi National Museum, and boarded one of Saddam Hussein's former Gulf Stream jets for the return trip to Washington.
The continued violence and unrest throughout the country seems to indicate that the Iraqi people are not amused by Bremer's little joke. "We are now a slave colony of America," said one shop owner who wished to remain anonymous, "Who are this Bert and Ernie? Certainly, they do not represent us."
In accordance with his wishes, Bremer also left a list of edicts that President Ernie and Chief Justice Bert are expected to enforce. Bremer's commandments include tips on safe driving, a healthy diet and pleasant living under the brutal control of the American oil interests that now own the country.
Easily Amused Man Finds Hilarious Hidden Meaning in Gift Shop Sign
For former Michigan native Alan Wiseman, a summer camping trip up North resulted in an uproarious roadside comedy photo opportunity. "We were just driving along listening to my Steve Miller Band Greatest Hits 1974-1978 CD," said Wiseman. "Then I noticed this sign that said 'Pot Shop' and I was like, no way, I did not just see that!" Wiseman then explained how he convinced his wife to allow him to delay their vacation, turn around the car, drive back to the sign and pose for a picture in front of it.
"I don't know what the big deal was." said Holly Wiseman. "He thought it was so funny that we had to drive back to take a stupid picture. He is such an dork."
"See how the sign says 'Pot Shop'?" exclaimed a still giggling Wiseman, making little air-quotes with his fingers, to a clerk at the Walmart photo lab later that day. Wiseman then pantomimed smoking, winked at the confused clerk, and walked away pretending to be off balance.
Cheney Now Swearing Continuously; Vice Presidential Debate Expected to Use Rap Battle Format
Vice President Dick Cheney finally showed some mad skillz last month when he busted a verbal cap in Democrat Senator Patrick Leahy, of Vermont. "Yeah, I told that little bitch to go f*ck himself" said Cheney. "Right in the middle of the motherf*cking Senate!"
Although the press and late night comedy shows all carried the story, Cheney has yet to apologize for the outburst. When asked, the former CEO of Halliburton said, "F*ck him if he can't take my heat. I own that punk-ass bitch now."
With the selection of John Edwards as Vice Presidential running mate to John Kerry earlier this week, Cheney has been preparing by "writing down some sh*t" for the upcoming Vice Presidential debate.
"I got no worries about battling Edwards," said a defiant Cheney as he paced back and forth in the Senate lavatory, "I will school that dumb-f*ck."
Asked for a sample of his opening remarks at the debate, Cheney pulled some scraps of paper and Burger King napkins with writing on them from his pocket and began to rap: