The Wide World of News
A Charles Foster Kane Media International Publication

July 8, 2004

Entertainment News
Spiderman 2 Breaks Opening Day Record for Most Nerds Gathered in Single Theater

Question of the Day

Topless Guys?  Whoop-Dee-Doo! Who Cares? 

Zombie Kerry Says Running Mate John Edwards Was Selected Based on His Brains, His Delicious Brains 

Mark Geragos Pretty Sure He Can Get Saddam Hussein Off On a Technicality

Bush Solves Social Security and Medicare Funding Problems; Orders Involuntary Reactivation of Retired Veterans for Combat Duty in Iraq and Afghanistan

$3.3 Billion Cassini Space Orbiter Confirms Existence of Saturn 

Iraqi Terrorist Organization Threatens to Terrorize Other Iraqi Terrorist Organization if Terror Attacks Against Terrorist Organization Continue

Newly Installed Iraqi Leaders Are Literally Puppets; "The Color Green" and "Learning to Share" Top Platform Agenda

Iraq is once again a sovereign nation. 
The official handover of sovereignty occurred on June 28th when former coalition civil administrator L. Paul Bremer gave U.S. hand-picked President Sheikh Ernie al-Yawar and his best pal and room-mate Chief Justice Bert Al-Mahmodi "total control" of the country of Iraq.  The two leaders immediately established their new governance by guiding all members of the new Iraqi Council in a song about the number '4'.

"Everybody assumed we were going to install a puppet regime anyway," laughed Bremer as he packed his personal effects.   "Now at least that won't be a talking point."  Bremer then added, "I hate these people so much.  Screw Iraq!  I'm just glad to get out of this hell hole."  Bremer then fired his staff, grabbed some looted artifacts from the Iraqi National Museum, and boarded one of Saddam Hussein's former Gulf Stream jets for the return trip to Washington.

The continued violence and unrest throughout the country seems to indicate that the Iraqi people are not amused by Bremer's little joke.  "We are now a slave colony of America," said one shop owner who wished to remain anonymous, "Who are this Bert and Ernie?  Certainly, they do not represent us."

In accordance with his wishes, Bremer also left a list of edicts that President Ernie and Chief Justice Bert are expected to enforce.  Bremer's commandments include tips on safe driving, a healthy diet and pleasant living under the brutal control of the American oil interests that now own the country.

Easily Amused Man Finds Hilarious Hidden Meaning in Gift Shop Sign

For former Michigan native Alan Wiseman, a summer camping trip up North resulted in an uproarious roadside comedy photo opportunity.  "We were just driving along listening to my Steve Miller Band Greatest Hits 1974-1978 CD," said Wiseman.  "Then I noticed this sign that said 'Pot Shop' and I was like, no way, I did not just see that!"  Wiseman then explained how he convinced his wife to allow him to delay their vacation, turn around the car, drive back to the sign and pose for a picture in front of it.  

"I don't know what the big deal was." said Holly Wiseman.  "He thought it was so funny that we had to drive back to take a stupid picture.  He is such an dork."  

"See how the sign says 'Pot Shop'?" exclaimed a still giggling Wiseman, making little air-quotes with his fingers, to a clerk at the Walmart photo lab later that day.  Wiseman then pantomimed smoking, winked at the confused clerk,  and walked away pretending to be off balance.   

Cheney Now Swearing Continuously; Vice Presidential Debate Expected to Use Rap Battle Format

Vice President Dick Cheney finally showed some mad skillz last month when he busted a verbal cap in Democrat Senator Patrick Leahy, of Vermont.  "Yeah, I told that little bitch to go f*ck himself" said Cheney.  "Right in the middle of the motherf*cking Senate!"  

Although the press and late night comedy shows all carried the story, Cheney has yet to apologize for the outburst.  When asked, the former CEO of Halliburton said, "F*ck him if he can't take my heat.  I own that punk-ass bitch now." 

With the selection of John Edwards as Vice Presidential running mate to John Kerry earlier this week, Cheney has been preparing by "writing down some sh*t" for the upcoming Vice Presidential debate. 

"I got no worries about battling Edwards," said a defiant Cheney as he paced back and forth in the Senate lavatory, "I will school that dumb-f*ck."

Asked for a sample of his opening remarks at the debate, Cheney pulled some scraps of paper and Burger King napkins with writing on them from his pocket and began to rap:

"I'm the real V.P. / I'm the V.I.P.  / The greatest P.I.M.P. in history / I get play all day / And I'm here to say / I'm the baddest motherf*cker in the U.S.A. /  If Edwards think he got game / That's a g*d damned shame / In case he hasn't heard / I'm Dick Cheney, word!"