The Wide World of News
May 28, 2004
American Political Activist Michael Moore's New Cannes Palme d'Or-Winning Film, Fahrenheit 9/11 Deemed "Too Political" for American Audiences
Question of the Day
Bush Administration's Promised Shock and Awe Campaign Finally Arrives
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has taken the first step toward correcting the Iraqi prisoner abuse scandal by creating a directive that will ban the use of all cameras and other recording equipment in and around military facilities. "If we catch anybody-- including those terrorist lovin' Amnesty International bastards-- near our prison facilities we will chop off their hands and feed them to our dogs while they watch." said Rumsfeld.
U.S. Brigadier General Janis Karpinski of the 800th Military Police Brigade has also apologized for being caught abusing the prisoners. "I can't believe someone actually took pictures of the broomstick rapes and other atrocities we were committing, that's just sick!"
Top U.S. military officer in Iraq, Army Lt. Gen. Ricardo Sanchez has said that neither he, nor anyone under his command, gave orders to "soften-up" detainees. Sanchez claims that based on the photos he has seen, "It looks like that one little girl (Pfc. Lynndie England) just went totally bonkers and carried out all those atrocities on her own," said the General, "If anyone is to blame for this, it is her and her alone."
World wide outrage has lead President Bush to speak out on the issue of the "alleged" prisoner abuse. "Listen to me, " said Bush in a radio address to the Iraqi people, "I feel your pain." Bush then paused, looked over at a giggling Rumsfeld and continued, "and boy, does it ever hurt my ass!" Both men then burst into laughter.
The continuing abuse at Abu Ghraib prison appears to once again be safely hidden from the world. America can rest easy knowing that the only sanctioned horrific abuse of prisoners is once again limited to the Guantanamo Bay prison for suspected Muslims and terrorists in Cuba.
Straight Male Friends Forget to Sit One Seat Apart at Movie Theater, Results in Uncontrollable Gay Make-Out Session
Best friends Tony Pinucci and Gil Cunningham went to see the new disaster film, The Day After Tomorrow, at the Palisades Mall on Friday afternoon. To their horror, they realized too late that they had accidentally sat right next to each other in the theater. Although Tony is married and Gil is considered 'quite the ladies man' the two were powerless to control the homosexual tendencies brought about by their close proximity.
"As soon as the movie began, we just started making out like crazy!" said Pinucci, "It was like, all I could think about was getting my tongue in Gil's soft wet mouth." Cunningham was also puzzled by his own behavior: "I found out that another dude's button fly jeans are almost impossible to get open with popcorn butter on your fingers."
Although Pinucci and Cunningham have remained friends, they don't plan on going to see another movie together for at least a few weeks. "We kind of need a cooling down period before Spiderman 2 comes out," said Cunningham. "That's for sure, " said Pinucci, "and this time were going to sit in separate rows!"
American Three-Year-Olds Are Still Considered The World's Worst Violinists
America's three-year-olds have once again brought shame upon the Nation. The International Organization for the Arts has ranked America's preschoolers as totally inept at violin. The festivities at Children's Global Violin Week in Munich, Germany ground to a halt as our dimmest and tone deaf babies screeched out an appalling rendition of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Guest judge Simon Cowell (American Idol) noted after the performance that "Mozart is probably weeping in his grave." This remark upset and frightened some of the children who then sobbed uncontrollably until quieted by their handlers.
During the final elimination round the children, know worldwide as "The Un-Fantastic Four," butchered the simplest of tunes-- Mary Had a Little Lamb. Their little eyes welled up with tears as they awaited their failing scores and the biting sarcastic criticism of the judges. The tots were then booed off the stage and paraded around the coliseum so that the crowd could taunt and admonish the children for their failure.
American educators, while acknowledging the sheer and blatant horridness of these children's performance, are infuriated with the treatment received at Munich's violin festival. Fifth-grade teacher Elissa Rowland of Michigan, suggests that beginning next year, America send only our older, more gifted students -- such as her own twelve-year-old daughter, C-Class St. John's district violinist Madelyn Zoey Rowland.