The Wide World of News
A Charles Foster Kane Media International Publication

April 11, 2004

Entertainment News
NBC Accidentally Releases Friends Finale Massacre Photos Which Explain Why Joey will Flee to California for his Spin-off Series

Question of the Day

The Question is Not Why Melissa Ann Rowland Refused a C-section and Allowed her Baby to Die, The Question is How did someone this Hideous get Pregnant in the First Place?

Sporadic Fighting in Fallujah Disrupts Coalition Sand Castle Reconstruction Initiative 

Snuffleupagus Finally Makes Himself Visible to Adults.  Big Bird Released from Sesame Street Sanitarium.

RJR Nabisco Out Bids God for Allegiance.  New Pledge..."One Nation, Under Nabisco, With Liberty and Justice For All"

Scott Peterson Lawyer Requests Off-Planet Change of Venue to Ensure Unbiased Jury Pool

911 Commission Sends Condaliza Rice to Corner for a Time-Out

Bush and Kerry Employ Clever Use of Ellipses to Mislead Voters...and Attack Each...Other

Campaign Ads
for both George Bush and John Kerry have been more deceitful than in previous years.  Most pundits point to the abundant use of ellipses in recent political ads.  

The latest Bush ad quotes Kerry as saying, "I, John Kerry, am... a good friend of... Osama bin Laden."  The actual quote was "I, John Kerry, am sick of the way the Bush campaign continues to waste the lives of our troops in Iraq.  A good friend of mine died on September 11th and it was Osama bin Laden that was responsible, not Saddam Hussein."

The quote "My name is George Bush...and I'm a big...stupid...retard." was used in a recent Kerry attack ad.  The actual unedited quote by Bush was "My name is George Bush, your President, and I'm a big supporter of Medicare.  I think that any attempt to cut Medicare funding would be stupid and would inevitably retard the entire system of benefits that seniors in this country deserve."  

Although it is relatively early in the campaign season it is expected that ads such as these will continue until the November election.  The next series of commercials are expected to use digital "Forrest Gump" technology to show Air National Guard fighter pilot George Bush flying American Airlines Flight 11 into the north tower of the World Trade Center and John Kerry dressed as a Lesbian in Massachusetts applying for a marriage license. 

McDonalds and Burger King form an Unholy Alliance to Promote The Passion of the Christ

In an unprecedented move of corporate greed and blasphemy, McDonalds and Burger King united under the Cross of the Christ to promote their Easter themed children's Happy Meals.  The campaign, named "The McPassion of the Burger King of Kings" is available for a limited time only.  McDonalds and Burger King have issued a press release to explain the unusual cross-corporate promotion.  "We've seen the box office figures for the last few weeks and believe that America is dying for a Jesus themed Happy Meal."  The statement went further to explain that "Easter weekend seemed like an opportune moment to jump on the Crucifixion bandwagon and ride the Jesus wave!"

Mel Gibson's film, The Passion of the Christ, has become the most talked about film of the year.  It has already grossed more than $354.9 million in the U.S. alone and is now the eighth-highest grossing domestic film of all time, behind "Jurassic Park."  Easter weekend provided a "second coming" for the film as it shot back up to the number one box office position with a holiday weekend gross of over $17 million. "Christ came back with a vengeance," said one industry insider, "and I believe that  the Happy Meal tie-in was partly responsible."

The "Last Supper Happy Meals" contain the standard hamburger, fries and a small drink but also include a plastic Burger King Crown of Thorns and two McCrucifixion Nails that the children can affix to their wrists as seen below:

The ungodly amount of money earned by the film has generated a huge amount of Passion of the Christ product licensing.  Golgatha snow globes feature the bloodied Christ on the cross during a beautiful delicate snowfall.  Those wishing to bring Jesus into their car or truck can choose from the "Floor Mats of the Christ" collection.  The Passion of the Christ Soundtrack has been soaring off the shelves and features 2 hours and 20 minutes of Christ's suffering and agony for your listening pleasure.  A hidden bonus track offers an extended version of the scourging where he actually screams out the words "Jesus Christ that hurts!"

With the DVD of the film slated for a late fall 2004 release, expect another promotional flood of Biblical proportions.  Don't be surprised if you see 100's of bloody little Passion of the Christ Halloween costumes on you doorstep this season.  Walmart has scripted Halloween inspired phrases for the children to use while wearing the costume such as: "Why have you forsaken me?  Give me candy!"  and "The power of Christ compels you to give me a treat!"

Mel Gibson has been quoted as being "very pleased" with the overwhelming response to the film and is "thrilled" with the world wide box office receipts and merchandising thus far.  He intends to use most of his new found Passion windfall to support his other passions which include high-end hookers and mountains of cocaine.