The Wide World of News
March 4, 2004
Scandal: Howard Stern, America's Moral Standard in Quality Wholesome Family Broadcasting, Suspended for Indecency.
Question of the Day
Bush Threatens Nuclear Annihilation of any Country
that Attempts to Develop Nuclear Technology
The speech came as Bush faces criticism because no prohibited unconventional weapons have been found in Iraq. "I swear to the One True Christian God that I will rain a Nuclear Fire of Righteousness down upon any country that even thinks about crafting a nuclear device." screamed Bush as he bashed his fist upon the podium and wiped a string of saliva from his cruel twisted down-turned mouth.
"Our message to nuclear proliferators must be consistent and must be clear: We will find you, and we will erase you, your family and perhaps your entire country from existence." expounded the U.S. President. "We have a WMD right now that uses microwaves and can cook those we deem guilty from the inside out if they don't back down."
New Fox Reality Show, Who Wants to Marry a Midget, Deemed Not Offensive Enough
The new Fox show The Littlest Groom did not connect with viewers as expected during February sweeps. The show consisted of a 23 year old dwarf named Glen Foster (see photo left of Fox Logo) who attempts to find true love. A bevy of little midget women were set out for his perusal and even a few "normals" (non-freak women) were thrown in to mix it up, but viewers just did not tune in. Dani Behr, the host of the show believes that the problem was that the program was "just not offensive enough."
Fox programming has conceded that the show did not meet it's high viewer standards and has announced that the new Spring season will see a retooled version of the series tentatively called: Who Wants to Marry My Retarded Little Brother? (see photo right of Fox Logo)
"We thought it was funny but we have learned from our mistakes and have tried to create a new show that will really relate with our core audience" say executive producers Eric Schotz and Bill Paolantonio. "We apologize and hope that the night vision hidden camera bedroom footage for this new show is even hotter than the stuff we got with the midgets."
Chairman of Nation's No. 2 Gun Maker Resigns Over Past Armed Robbery Conviction
James Joseph Minder, Chairman of handgun maker Smith & Wesson Holding Corp., resigned after a published report revealed he'd spent as much as 15 years in prison for armed robberies and a bank heist. "While recognizing the very serious mistakes in his early life, the board believes that Mr. Minder has led an exemplary life since then and has hardly committed any additional crimes except for the string of homicides in the late 80's and a drugs-for-money child prostitution/slavery ring from 1993-1997" the gun maker said in a statement.
"Based on this, and other successful felonies, the board believes he can continue to provide invaluable input to Smith & Wesson within both strategic planning and the ongoing drive toward operational excellence." said new acting chairman Dennis Bingham. "I for one don't wanna cross this guy. He's really twitchy and would probably blow my freakin' head off."
The article reported that Minder maintains he had never tried to cover up his past, and that the reason he failed to disclose his crimes to Smith & Wesson earlier was because nobody had asked the question. The company has since added a checkbox on their CEO New Hire Application asking; "Have you ever been convicted and done hard time for armed robbery or homicide?"
Muslim Cleric's "How to Beat Your Wife" Book Bridges Religious and Cultural Gaps
Finding common ground at last, Muslim Cleric Mohamed Kamal Mustafa's Book that advised men how to beat up their wives without leaving incriminating marks proves to be wildly popular with men of All religions. "I am glad..." said Mustafa at a Barnes & Noble book signing, "...that my book has helped find a common thread that binds all men of every faith and belief." Mustafa continued, "As a matter of fact, chapter 42 deals with 'binding' the female property with silk scarves for the best restraint without evidence of struggle."
The manual, previously used predominantly by Muslin men is now a common non-denominational item found on nightstands the world over. "I jes' don't know how I ever got by wid-out it!" said Cletus-Boyd Pontell, a devout fundamentalist Christian from South Carolina. "Next time the po-lice come up in here talking about me hittin' my old lady alls I gotta say is 'show me the bruises, officer jerk-off'!"
Mustafa will continue his lecture and book signing tour throughout July with spousal punishment tactic demonstrations immediately following the question and answer sessions.
Jesus Reviews Mel Gibson's The Passion of The Christ, "That Ain't How It Happened!"
By WWN Movie Critic: Jesus H. Christ
Look, I was there, so I think I'm the best authority on how it all went down and I gotta tell you, that ain't how it happened. I believe the book that Gibson used as the source material is riddled with inaccuracies, lies, and a lot of junk that people just made up so it's not really his fault. Don't get me wrong, I like Mel Gibson. Those first two Lethal Weapon movies rocked! (See my reviews "Lethal Weapon: Jesus Loves It, This I Know" and "Lethal Weapon 2: Wow, This Sequel So Kicks Ass!")
I don't want to say the whole film was bad but honestly, The Passion of the Christ was so gory I almost puked! It was like, gross. If it had been that bloody in real life I would have totally fainted. I'm really squeamish about that sort of thing and I have a very low tolerance for pain. One time I got a splinter when I was making a cabinet for this guy and I was afraid of wood for like three months after.
And while we're talking about scary, that Satan-guy in the film was terrifying. I almost pee'd my robe. I hope the real Satan never sees the film because he would be so embarrassed. They really got his role all wrong. He's not that bad. We play cards sometimes!
Also, as long as we're talking with candor, I have to say that Monica Bellucci is about a gazillion times hotter than the real Mary Magdalene was. Seriously, if I was dating a chick that sexy I would have never let them crucify me. I might have died for sin, but it would have been my own, if you know what I'm talking about.
Anyway, I didn't really like The Passion of the Christ. It brought back a lot of old memories I would have rather forgotten. It was always my greatest wish that people wouldn't dwell on it.