The Wide World of Space News
Special Edition
A Charles Foster Kane Media International Publication

January 20, 2004

Entertainment News
New Sony Space Robot Records It's Own User Manual on Tape and Drops a Few Bonus Tracks feat. Outkast

Question of the Day


Am I the Only One Afraid of  Whatever is"Out There"?  



Hubble Space Telescope Releases Brilliant New Photos of The Hubble Space Telescope



Mars Rover Successfully Defends Against First Attack



Former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill Claims Bush Administration had "Planned on going to the moon and Mars" since the beginning of 2001



Perfect Manned Space Shuttle Launch Ignored While Automated Mars Rover Studies a Rock



Earth Not Included in Bush's 2004 Budget Plan

 

Bush Attempts to Secure the 2004 Nerd Vote; Announces Plans to go Back to the Moon and Mars

"Shazbot! I am Mork from Ork.  Nanu Nanu, Orson!" said President Bush as he introduced his new increased budget plan for NASA.  Bush hopes that the proposed $12 billion will be enough to secure the all important "Nerd Vote" in the upcoming 2004 election.  Bush went on stroking the geeks by offering his hope that they "Live long and Prosper"  and claiming that he "will always be their friend."  

Past space exploration "has brought tangible benefits that improve our lives in countless ways," said Bush.  He went on to add that the soil of the moon "contains raw materials that might be harvested and processed into rocket fuel, breathable air or cotton candy." 

Bush pledged that unlike the Apollo effort, which involved a race with the Soviet Union, the United States will welcome international participation in this project by everyone except France.  

The president also said that "the fascination generated by further space exploration will inspire our young people to study math and science and engineering."  Unfortunately these are the same three programs that were dropped from Bush's 2003 Public School Budget.  

"Space is what I like to call The Final Frontier,"  winked Bush in his closing remarks, "I've always looked toward the sky and wondered what might have happened long long ago in a galaxy far far away."


Surface of Mars Even More Boring Than Previously Believed

The Mars rover Spirit stretched its robotic arm over Martian soil Friday, capturing with its microscopic imager an even-higher-resolution view of the Martian soil.  "Wow.  I have never been so bored in my life," lead imager scientist Ken Herkenhoff yawned, "If I have to look at one more piece of dirt I'm gonna push the damn self destruct button on this thing."  

Other NASA scientists have echoed Herkenhoff's disappointment.  "When I signed up to work at NASA I thought it would be all about space-babes and laser battles," said Flight Director Chris 'Han Solo' Lewicki,  "but now all I want to do is take a Quantum Leap off this boring-ass project and get back to work on my lightsaber." 

Despite the boring and mundane discoveries thus far, other NASA scientists insist that the mission has merit and will yield valuable scientific information.  "For example, we have found that dust storms happen on Mars just like they do on Earth!"   Rob Sullivan excitedly gushed on Friday during a news conference.  "I mean just think about that!  Can you imagine it?  A dust storm on Mars!  It's crazy!"

NASA hopes that in the coming days and weeks the Spirit will be able to roll another few feet and investigate the rock that is obstructing 90% of its optic resonance capabilities.


Mars Astronomers Attempt to Discover Who Keeps Launching Robots and Crap at Their Planet

"Another one of their stupid little robots has landed in the Gusev Crater," exclaimed one of the Martian scientists assigned to tracking and dispatching sanitation teams to dispose of the unwanted alien technology.  Although it is still unknown where the probes, satellites, and rovers are coming from, Martian Authorities have been unconcerned until recently.

 "It wasn't too big of a deal in the 1960's with their Mariner missions and then the Voyager's in the 70's," stated a Martian State Department official,  "Those were mostly just orbital and sub-orbital.  But then that creepy little Pathfinder in 1997 almost caught me coming out of the shower!"

At 3:23am on September 27, 1997 the Pathfinder Sojourner was disabled by Martian authorities as it was attempting to flee from the scene of a accident involving a Martian school bus.  47 nursery school students were injured as the Sojourner blindly steered into oncoming traffic.  

Martian public outrage had calmed in the years since the school bus tragedy but was again riled when this new alien craft landed a few weeks ago.  "As soon we find out who keeps sending this junk to our planet they are so dead," stated the Martian President in his State of the Planet address.  "Make no mistake: Mars will hunt down and punish those responsible for these cowardly acts.  The resolve of our great planet is being tested. But make no mistake: We will pass this test. God bless."