The Wide World of News
A Charles Foster Kane Media International Publication

January 8, 2004

Entertainment News
Critics Hail New Novelization as Far More Imaginative than the Original

Question of the Day
It's Got a Hemi ! "

What the Hell is a "Hemi" and Who Gives a Shit?  Is it that Silver Hubcap-Looking Thing?  Big Freakin' Deal!

Poor Angelina Jolie Getting Uglier With Each Passing Day

Dante Creates New Level of Hell to Accommodate Strohm Thurman

"Army of One" Killed, America Defenseless

The Dow Jones Industrial Average Surpasses 10,000 -- Whoopiddy-do!

Halliburton "The Little Conglomerate That Could" Caught Overcharging For Oil in Iraq

The U.S. military
has said that it will soon take over Halliburton's role of getting fuel into Iraq.  This decision follows an audit that found Vice President Dick Cheney's old firm had massively overcharged for the job.  Apparently, Halliburton considers that the exclusive reconstruction contracts valued at more than $2 billion represent an insufficient slice of the Iraqi pie.  

More confounding is that U.S. taxpayers are paying to have oil exported to Iraq, one of the most oil rich countries in the world.  "The oil in Iraq is OUR oil now" said Cheney when asked why Iraq needed to import foreign oil. "The Blood for Oil Program -- aka Operation Iraqi Freedom -- was a resounding success and now we finally have what we went there for.  Thanks to us, Iraq is now free to find its own foreign oil."

Ohio Police Unwilling to Call Proficient Hidden Long Distance Killer Freeway Marksman a "Sniper"

"If we don't say the 'S' word then maybe it'll all just go away" said Wild and Crazy Chief Deputy Steve Martin of the Franklin County Sheriff's Department.  So far there have been 18 related shootings along Interstate 270 on the south side of Columbus, Ohio.  Although they are all the work of a single individual hiding in the woods, shooting at cars as they drive by from various long distances, police will not confirm that the suspect is a "sniper."

"The word 'sniper' is a little harsh don't you think?" said Police spokesman Sherry Mercurio.  "I mean sure, he's shooting at people from a great distance with expert marksmanship and he has one confirmed kill but I wouldn't go so far as to call him a sniper."

"That's just what he wants!" cried Dr. Charles Wood, of Ohio State University.  A professor of Education with an emphasis on Modern Dance, Wood feels that the assassin is probably an "ugly person of low self esteem" who is using his expertise with long distance execution style shooting to compensate for an inability to Lambada.  "A true sniper would be as proficient at the 'Forbidden Dance' as am I." 

Although identical in almost every way to the Washington D.C. Beltway area sniper attacks of 2002, Ohio authorities maintain that there is "no sniper."  

Child With Terminal Cancer Makes Wish to Waste the Kids Who Teased Him 

A completely pointless wish made by a selfless little fool that "all the Make-A-Wish Foundation Children get their wishes" has helped countless other terminal children to see their dreams come true.  Realizing her error almost as she made it, the child quickly attempted to recant.  "I wish I would have wished to not be sick anymore." coughed little Katie Neubach.  But it was too late.

One of the lucky incurable cancer patients that has benefited from Neubach's blunder is little Billy Bloom (see photo) who has wished to "rain a bloody vengeance" upon all who teased him after he lost his hair during Chemo Therapy.  "I want to make them dig a grave for themselves in the cold frozen earth, fall upon their knees at the bottom of the hole and beg for my forgiveness before I blast their stupid insensitive brains out" said Billy, as he slid an extra round into the chamber of his Make-A-Wish Foundation issued automatic rifle and finished his list of "friends".  

Bloom was one of the countless children who were denied their wish prior to Neubach's idiotic generosity.  "There was no way we were going to let him kill all those people" said Make-A-Wish Foundation President & CEO Paula Van Ness.  "But then that little angel Katie used her last gasps to ensure the happiness of others and we were left with no choice."