The Wide World of News
November 14, 2003
New Britney Spears Album Expected to Have Huge Holiday Sales Among Males Ages 32-45 Buying Gifts for Their "Daughters"
Question of the Day
Cancelled CBS Reagan Miniseries
Accused of Misrepresenting Former President's Horrific Apathy Towards
The scene that has Reaganites upset involves Nancy Reagan pleading with her husband to be more compassionate to the plight of AIDS victims. Reagan responds by saying that "Those (gay people) who live in sin, will die in sin." While this exact belief is echoed by conservatives every single day on talk radio, they do not want it broadcast on prime time television for some reason.
"Watching that Mormon lunatic repeatedly rape that little girl was entertaining but that AIDS scene in the Reagan movie was just insensitive to Reagan," said media pundit Ann Coulter.
CBS plans to show the film on its sister network, Showtime -- thus insuring that no one except soft-core porn fans of Shannon Tweed will ever see the film.
Texas Jury Sets New Standard for Insanity
Galveston, Texas. Where a rich man from New York can pretend to be a mute woman, "accidentally" murder his neighbor, dismember the body, throw it in the bay, try to steal the corpse's identity to avoid being arrested as a suspect for the murders of his last two wives -- and still be found "not guilty" by a jury.
"The prosecution kept saying that Durst guy was crazy," said juror Joanne Gongora. "But we showed em' what 'crazy' really is!"
Fellow juror Chris Lovell explained further, "If a man wants to dress up like a woman and murder people and dismember their bodies, then he should be able to!" Jury foreman Deborah Warren agreed, adding, "This is America! The goddamned land of the free! My boy Beauford is fightin' in Iraq right now to defend these here freedoms just like this!"
Durst, who was surprised by the favorable verdict, thanked God for the fact that his victim's head was never found. "That might have turned the jury against me," said Durst in a statement. Durst plans to move back to New York and hopes to re-marry before the end of the year. He does not plan to return to Texas unless "I need to savagely murder and dismember someone else."
Wasted High School Students Call Police Drug Raid "Totally Scary Buzz Killer"
Surveillance footage captured officers brandishing guns, forcing more than a hundred students to lie face down on the floor of the main hallway of Stratford High School in South Carolina last week during an early morning drug sweep. The raid was part of a search for the deadly and vile drug marijuana. "I had just toked up for my morning algebra class," commented one student, "then there was like narcs everywhere and I was all like 'Narcs! Narcs!' and then I like dove into a classroom and like acted like I didn't see the narcs but I knew they were there and did you see Fear Factor last night when that chick ate that bug? That was nasty."
Police were called in after four students were caught with illegal drugs at school. The principal suspected other students might be selling and buying drugs on campus. "It's hard to believe that high school students would ever be involved with something like drugs," said Principal George McCrackin.
Local police defended their tactics. Police Lt. Dave Aarons said police drew their guns as a matter of safety. "You never know when some hippie stoner kid's gonna come waltzing up to you blathering on about Peace and Love and all that crap," said Aarons, "These kids are just going to have to learn that if you do drugs, the Police will shoot you."
"Man I was like baked off my nut when the five-o's came blazin' all up in my grill," said honor student Graham Boyd, "I thought I was all hallucinating thinkin' someone had dusted my blunt but then I saw the shit was real and I was like, no way!"
Parents were outraged over the incident. "I gave my boy Raymond five quarter bags out of my own personal stash to sell at school today so I could get straight with my dealer, and now he tells me he had to flush my puff cause he got spooked by some cops that raided the joint," complained one irate father, "They even took away the bong I got him for Christmas last year!"
Although no drugs were found during this raid, police vow to return with guns drawn on another random occasion -- and thanks to the sweeping powers granted by the glorious Patriot Act, they promise to leave no civil liberty un-trampled.