The Wide World of News
October 21, 2003
Suspiciously Chewed and Mangled "Roy-Doll" Found Along With $10 Million Dollar Insurance Policy in Siegfried's Tiger Training Room Locker
Question of the Day
Correction to Last Edition:
Heartwarming Form Letters From Troops in Iraq Tell of
"Good Times and New Friends"
Sniper Suspect Allowed to Represent Self; Requests Case be Thrown Out Due to "Incompetence and Insanity" of Defense Counsel
Sniper suspect John Allen Muhammad asked the Virginia Beach court to grant three wishes on Monday. First Muhammad asked if he could represent himself during the trial. After Judge LeRoy F. Millette Jr. granted this first motion, Muhammad boldly requested that his loaded semi-automatic bushmaster rifle be returned to him so that he could hold it while questioning witnesses during the course of the trial. After some deliberation, Millette rejected this request. Muhammad's third motion was to dismiss the case on the grounds that his legal counsel is, in his words, "obviously incompetent and insane." The request to dismiss was denied as well.
Muhammad, in his opening statement, denied he had anything to do with last October's shooting spree that left 10 people dead in Virginia, Maryland and Washington, D.C. He claimed that his marksmanship was far superior to that displayed during the spree and that he typically kills people from much greater distances. As an example, he flicked a straightened paperclip from behind the defense table into the neck of juror #6, who died instantly from the subsequent massive blood loss.
Later in the day, Muhammad reminded the jury to "Please pay attention, because right now my life and my son's life is on the line." When reminded that alleged co-conspirator, 18-year-old Lee Boyd Malvo was not his son, Muhammed flew into a rage, twisted the head off the court stenographer and drank her blood.
Muhammad ended the day by stating that "I'm locked up, I'm denied my constitutional rights -- based on a guess." He then mouthed the words "I will kill you all" to the jury, stabbed the bailiff in the eye with his pencil and returned to his cell.
Formally Conjoined Twins Now Locked in Battle to the Death for Parents Love and Attention
Carl and Clarence Aguirre were separated for the first time last Sunday using the now commonplace "Foreign Conjoined Twin Chop-Yank Procedure" that seems to currently be taking place on a daily basis in the United States. After a short post-operative recuperation, the infants suited up and were placed into the "Arena of Affection" to determine which one would be the most cherished.
Based on a multi-generational study of a single family conducted by a 14th Year Sociology Grad-Student at Michigan State University, it was determined that parents with multiple offspring invariably love one child far more than the others. For example, the Rowlands of St. Johns, MI readily admit that middle daughter Tess is "the only one that they really care about."
However, parental affection for a middle or third child is rare. In most instances it is the first child, also known as "The Only One We Really Wanted", who garners the most love and attention. While Barb and Lawrence Fisher of Owosso, MI claim to love all three of their children equally, it is depressingly obvious and emotionally agonizing to younger siblings Mark and Holly that older sister Lisa is clearly the favored one.
An interesting aberration found during the study is the strange case of Mark Fisher, who claims to 'adore' only child Sylvia -- yet is secretly planning on having a second child to 'fill the void' that the first born is apparently unable to satisfy. Researchers believe that Mark's disdain for Sylvia is derived from bitter disappointment in his wife's inability to conceive the male child that he actually wanted.
During their Battle for Love, pictured above, little Carl Aguirre inflicted a hideous facial wound on poor brother Clarence that will most certainly disfigure the child for life. Carl left the arena the obvious winner as it is an absolute certainty that no parent will ever love a superficially damaged child over an unblemished one.