The Wide World of News
A Charles Foster Kane Media International Publication

October 21, 2003

Entertainment News
Suspiciously Chewed and Mangled "Roy-Doll" Found Along With $10 Million Dollar Insurance Policy in Siegfried's Tiger Training Room Locker

Question of the Day

Wait a Minute.  I'm Confused.  Didn't Rush Tell Us That "Drug Addicted Scum Should be Locked Away and Raped to Death" in Prison?

New "Virtual Girlfriend" Allows Nerds to Experience Being Loved by Someone Other Than Their Mother 

Rodney King Arrested Again for Domestic Violence.  "Can't We All Just Stop Beating Our Wives?" 

Baghdad Florist Laments that Roses to 'Honor' Invading U.S. Army are Not Selling as Fast as 'Thank-You' Bullets and Shoulder Launched 'Appreciation' Grenades

Vacuum Cleaner Testimonial Posted on Unusually Emotional and Heartfelt

Correction to Last Edition:
In the Last Edition it was stated that the "U.S. President Recommends More Death Penalty Sentences for Suicidal Terrorists."  Corrected Version:
"Stupid U.S. President Recommends More Death Penalty Sentences for Suicidal Terrorists."

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Heartwarming Form Letters From Troops in Iraq Tell of "Good Times and New Friends"

News organizations
across the U.S. received letters last week from soldiers in Iraq attempting to set the record straight as to the conditions in the war torn country.  It was soon determined that the letters were all identical except for the forged names of the enlisted men that supposedly sent them.  The Bush administration denied any involvement, but it was obvious who had composed and mailed the fake letters, as the return address was: 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW Washington, DC 20500.  Each of the letters contained the following message verbatim:

Dear Mom and/or Dad,

Iraq is really a great place now that the war is over.  Maybe you and grandma can come visit me over here for Christmas?  It's totally safe.  Don't believe what the liberal media say or show on TV. 

Yesterday, my new friend Najib (he's an Iraqi!) and I played Frisbee all day in a little park in downtown Fallujah.  Then we got ice cream cones and chased butterflies until it got dark.  

I sure miss you guys, but honestly, I'm not in any hurry to come home at all.  It's so nice here.  Some people thought it was kind of hot during the summer, but I just remind 'em that "It's not as hot as my mom's spicy chicken casserole!" and then we all laughed and laughed.  

I don't want you to get the wrong impression that it's all sunshine and butterflies though, there is danger here just like anywhere else.  For example, this guy I knew from the 107th infantry got bit on the hand by a baby goat at the petting zoo yesterday!  It was crazy!  At first he didn't notice it but then when he saw the blood he started screaming "Medic!  Medic!"  It was pretty tense and scary for a few minutes, but in the end he only needed a couple stitches.  

Well, I gotta go now.  It's pizza night and some of the Airborne officers are entertaining Iraqis with their favorite musical scenes from Mary Poppins and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.  Send love to grandma, my sibling (if applicable), and pet the dog and/or cat for me!

Love ______________
US Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, Nat. Guard (Circle One)

Sniper Suspect Allowed to Represent Self; Requests Case be Thrown Out Due to "Incompetence and Insanity" of Defense Counsel

Sniper suspect John Allen Muhammad asked the Virginia Beach court to grant three wishes on Monday.  First Muhammad asked if he could represent himself during the trial.  After Judge LeRoy F. Millette Jr. granted this first motion, Muhammad boldly requested that his loaded semi-automatic bushmaster rifle be returned to him so that he could hold it while questioning witnesses during the course of the trial.   After some deliberation, Millette rejected this request.  Muhammad's third motion was to dismiss the case on the grounds that his legal counsel is, in his words, "obviously incompetent and insane."  The request to dismiss was denied as well.

Muhammad, in his opening statement, denied he had anything to do with last October's shooting spree that left 10 people dead in Virginia, Maryland and Washington, D.C.  He claimed that his marksmanship was far superior to that displayed during the spree and that he typically kills people from much greater distances.  As an example, he flicked a straightened paperclip from behind the defense table into the neck of juror #6, who died instantly from the subsequent massive blood loss. 

Later in the day, Muhammad reminded the jury to "Please pay attention, because right now my life and my son's life is on the line."  When reminded that alleged co-conspirator, 18-year-old Lee Boyd Malvo was not his son, Muhammed flew into a rage, twisted the head off the court stenographer and drank her blood.  

Muhammad ended the day by stating that "I'm locked up, I'm denied my constitutional rights -- based on a guess."  He then mouthed the words "I will kill you all" to the jury, stabbed the bailiff in the eye with his pencil and returned to his cell.

Formally Conjoined Twins Now Locked in Battle to the Death for Parents Love and Attention

Carl and Clarence Aguirre were separated for the first time last Sunday using the now commonplace "Foreign Conjoined Twin Chop-Yank Procedure" that seems to currently be taking place on a daily basis in the United States.  After a short post-operative recuperation, the infants suited up and were placed into the "Arena of Affection" to determine which one would be the most cherished.

Based on a multi-generational study of a single family conducted by a 14th Year Sociology Grad-Student at Michigan State University, it was determined that parents with multiple offspring invariably love one child far more than the others.  For example, the Rowlands of St. Johns, MI readily admit that middle daughter Tess is "the only one that they really care about."

However, parental affection for a middle or third child is rare.  In most instances it is the first child, also known as "The Only One We Really Wanted", who garners the most love and attention.  While Barb and Lawrence Fisher of Owosso, MI claim to love all three of their children equally, it is depressingly obvious and emotionally agonizing to younger siblings Mark and Holly that older sister Lisa is clearly the favored one.  

An interesting aberration found during the study is the strange case of Mark Fisher, who claims to 'adore' only child Sylvia -- yet is secretly planning on having a second child to 'fill the void' that the first born is apparently unable to satisfy.  Researchers believe that Mark's disdain for Sylvia is derived from bitter disappointment in his wife's inability to conceive the male child that he actually wanted.  

During their Battle for Love, pictured above, little Carl Aguirre inflicted a hideous facial wound on poor brother Clarence that will most certainly disfigure the child for life.  Carl left the arena the obvious winner as it is an absolute certainty that no parent will ever love a superficially damaged child over an unblemished one.