The Wide World of News
A Charles Foster Kane Media International Publication

September 28, 2003

Entertainment News
Role Re-Cast:  Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King to feature fan favorite Jar Jar as Gollum.  "Meesa so hoppy about dis opatoony!  Da ring esa muy pretty no?" says Binks.

Question of the Day

"I was just borrowing those 47,000 songs on my Hard Drive!"  Suitable Defense?

Segway Scooter Recall.  Manufacturer Admits Product is Stupid and Embarrassing.

Consumption of Bold New Extreme Flavors of Doritos to be Added as Event at 2004 Summer X-Games.

Sodomy Charges Result When Jocks Finally Empowered to Act on Their Feelings at Long Island High School Football Camp. 

Owosso, Michigan:  Giant Pumpkin Worship is 4th Largest Religion Among Hicks.

U.S. President Recommends More Death Penalty Sentences for Suicidal Terrorists.

Nigerian Woman Has Sentence Reduced from "Death by Stoning" to "Being Beaten Unconscious by Angry Monkeys"

Global outcry
has convinced Nigerian government officials to re-think their newly adopted system of punishment for criminals.  The Shariah Court of Appeal ruled on Thursday that Amina Lawal's conviction and sentence of "Death by Stoning" was indeed an insane and barbaric custom.  The punishment for adultery will now be a vicious pummeling by angry monkeys.  

"We were all embarrassed about having to stone her based on our archaic religious beliefs,"  said judge Ibrahim Maiangwa.  "We have now broadened our interpretation of the Quran to replace the savage stoning with the more progressive monkey beating.  God is great and he has made this possible."

Lawal's case had become the focus of human rights groups around the world who were outraged at the sentence that Lawal should be buried up to her neck and then have stones thrown at her head until she was dead. 

"At first when they said they were going to bury her up to her neck I thought it was just going to be the typical flesh eating fire ant punishment as directed by Islamic Shariah law."  said Nigerian President Olusegun Obasanjo.  "But then they said it would be a stoning and I knew we would probably be criticized for this."

Nigerian lawmakers have now agreed to review other "questionable" punishments suggested by the Quran.  Next up for review is the sentence for those convicted with the crime of saving another man's wife from drowning.

God Unleashes Terror Attack on Eastern United States.  Bush Administration Promises Swift and Horrible Retaliation.

God sent Hurricane Isabel to decimate the East Coast of the United States last week in what Homeland Security officials are calling the worst terrorist attack in recent history.  The States of North Carolina, Virginia, and Maryland seemed to have been the primary targets of the attack by the vengeful deity.  The storm killed 40 people and left 6 million power customers without service as far north as New York. 

Immediately following the attack the Bush administration launched a full tactical nuclear strike on Heaven.  It is unclear at the moment whether God is alive or dead.  "We have teams combing through the debris and rubble but intelligence says that He was there at the time of impact." said Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.  

It is hoped that the early retaliatory strike took God by surprise.  However, unnamed government officials fear that God may have escaped and gone into hiding like other popular U.S. targets Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden.  

In addition to the terrible loss of life, thousands of injuries, and billion dollar damage to property, some residents had it even worse.   Having gone for 4 days before her power was restored, local Virginia Beach resident Holly Wiseman said, "I hope they make that bastard (God) pay for this!  He made me miss the season premiere episode of Survivor and I had to throw away the condiments that had spoiled in my refrigerator."  

In an address to the Nation, President Bush echoed the loss of television and condiments and assured the public that "although the war against God will be long and hard, will likely cost trillions of dollars and the lives of millions of soldiers, we will have vengeance for His cowardly attack on our freedom."

No One "Featured" on New Hip Hop Song.  Music Industry Confused, CD Buyers Outraged

The first single released from the new Nas album Killmatic Thugz Mansion Part 2 apparently features no one but the artist himself.  Early reviews seem baffled by the lack of guest stars, supporting playas, or feat's.  

"I don't understand it." said former Nas collaborator Jully Black.  "He coulda called me and I woulda come down to the studio and added some tracks.  I ain't even been doin' nuthin' but playin' Madden '04 for the last few months anyway."  

Nas fans, who have heard the new song "Trunkfulla Bitches", are extremely vexed by the omission of any additional artists as well.  "How he be thinking I'z gonna drop skrilla on a single wit jus him on it?" said one upset 4th grader.  "I was straight-up spun for a week when I heard it.  Don't make no sense."

A Sony Label spokesperson released a statement saying that the next song released off the album "will feat. no fewer than 4 additional artists" and will hopefully restore balance to the hip-hop rap universe.