The Wide World of News
September 7, 2003
Print Media, Talk Radio and Cable News Networks Incorrectly Assume That Residents of The Other 49 States Care Who The Governor of California Is
Question of the Day
Labor Day Weekend Gas Prices
Skyrocket; U.S. Holiday Motorists Ask, "What Was That Last War
"Perhaps we need to send more troops over there." said a mother of three while filling up her Chevy Suburban. "My oldest boy is going to be 15 next week, but I'd gladly see him enlist if we could free-up some more of that sweet, sweet Iraqi crude (oil)."
One of the regrettably unforeseen effects of the gasoline price hike is the additional costs that funeral homes must charge for the hearse used to carry President George Bush's "Bring it On!" soldiers to their final resting places. "It's a shame," said Arlington Cemetery Superintendent John Metzler. "I'm just glad that for every one of our brave boys and girls that go down fighting for our glorious petrol, the blood of 100 Iraqi's is spilled in retaliation."
Howard Dean Voted Off Campaign by Surviving Democrats
Democratic front-runner Howard Dean saw his torch extinguished at the Democratic Presidential Tribal Council and Debate held in New Mexico last week. Solidly in the lead since mid-summer, Dean's Democratic tribe-mates obviously felt threatened by his recent surge in popularity.
"I voted him off because he totally blew it during the Aztec Rope Bridge Lock and Key Challenge." said a bitter and still fuming Dennis Kucinich of Ohio. "That bastard cost us 6 cans of Pepsi and a chocolate bar! He can rot in Hell!"
Although he was not in attendance at the debate due to weather-related travel problems, civil rights leader Al Sharpton of New York reminded his co-candidates via video phone that he saw The White Devil (Dean) "scooping handfuls of rice into his mouth one night from the ration barrel when he thought everyone was sleeping." Richard Gephardt of Missouri also claimed to have seen Dean pilfering the rice.
Although it was not taken seriously by any of the male candidates, former Sen. Carol Moseley Braun of Illinois attempted to cast her vote for John Kerry of Massachusetts who she claimed was "spooning" and "humping" her as they slept on the Democratic motor home campaign caravan.
Bob Graham of Florida and John Edwards of North Carolina continue to remain loyal to their "secret alliance," but when interviewed individually both candidates giggle about having the other one "completely fooled."
Joe Lieberman of Connecticut is the only remaining candidate with no votes cast against him in any of the debates thus far. This unfortunately guarantees the Democratic Ultra-Conservative a place in The Final Three.
Terrorists Delighted to Learn of New Exploitable Weakness in American Infrastructure
"Ahh yes...Darkness. This is something that we can definitely use to our advantage when we unleash our terrifically wicked yet holy and justified Jihad against the American infidels," said a masked al Qaeda representative via video tape in reference to last month's blackouts. "It is wonderful news that Allah has provided us the means to completely disable them by cutting what appears to be a single power cable in Ohio."
The power outage which affected the entire North East of the United States and part of Canada was not the result of a terrorist attack. However, Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge has suggested that another $23 Billion be spent to "investigate" the outage, and insists that The Patriot Act be amended to include suspension of civil rights for all Americans who use electricity. "We don't know who may have caused this," said Ridge in a statement at a second grade musical production of The Wizard of OZ, "but it was definitely an 'inside job' and somebody's gonna pay!"
Meanwhile terrorist groups the world over have now incorporated a pre-strike disorientation blackout into their plans of attack. "They are like helpless babies without their precious electricity," said one bin Laden loyalist somewhere in the caves of Northern Afghanistan. "Without their inane Friends re-runs and decadent automatic apple peelers they are weak and lost."
Unfortunately power plants in the United States and the infrastructure that support them are hopelessly outdated. Federal and State plans to build a new modern network have been met with swift resistance from tax payers unwilling to allow for an emergency tax to be added to their utility bills. "I'd sooner see my daughter read by candle light!" said angry Michigan resident Mark Fisher when told of the proposed two cent tax increase. "I'd rather just spend the two cents on a coupla extra bullets up at Walmart and end my family's suffering right here and now!"