The Wide World of News
A Charles Foster Kane Media International Publication

August 7, 2003

Entertainment News
Following Spike Lee's Attempt to Sue Spike TV, Limp Bizkit Singer Fred Durst Takes on Seabiscuit

Question of the Day

How Many Beers Did it Take to Get This Little Kid Wasted?

L.L. Bean Attempts to Diversify and Attract Hip Hop Kids With New LL Cool Bean Gear 

Coalition Soldier Calls Home Every Sunday at 7:58pm to Remind His Wife to Tape The Simpsons

All But One Colorado Teen Vote Kobe Bryant "Favorite Athlete" at Teen Choice Awards 

Vatican Officially Condemns Gay Marriage.  Still Undecided About "Priest on Boy" Rape.  Unless They're Married...No Wait...Not That Either.

Altered Photos of Saddam Hussein Might Possibly Assist Coalition Forces in His Eventual Capture

United States Intelligence released digitally altered photos of former Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein on Friday that coalition forces are using in their efforts to track the former dictator down.  Click each individual photo on the right and study it closely to determine if you have unknowingly seen Saddam Hussein.  If you have seen a man who looks similar to one of these photos, report him to coalition troops immediately.  Thousands of soldiers, guns, airplanes, helicopters, Abraham's Fighting Vehicles and missiles will be launched seconds after your squealing has been verified.  If the coalition is able to destroy Saddam based on your information you will instantly win the $25 million dollar reward.

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld says the altered images will definitely help troops find and slaughter Hussein.  "Last month we made up some of them 'bobble-head' dolls of Uday and Qusay Hussein and passed them around the northern city of Mosul, and a few days later we had those boys, or what's left of em, on the slab!"  Rumsfeld believes the new photos of Saddam will produce similar results.  

Local Plumber Reports Booming Business Finding Nemo Corpses and Pulling Them out of Family Sinks and Toilets

So far this month, local plumber Bucky McToodle has found about 42 little Nemos stuck in drains and pipes all over town.  "Little kids see that movie, go to the pet store, buy a clown fish then come home and toss it down the garbage disposal or flush it down the toilet." said Bucky.  "I hears 'em say that the movie tells 'em all pipes go to the sea, but speaking as a professional I can tells you that ain't true at all."  In reality if the fish were to survive the drain pipes they would almost certainly be shredded and minced through a series of filters at the local water processing station.  

Perry Nichester, owner of Perry's Perfect Pets is also experiencing a huge increase in sales.  "I put in 12 new tanks that are exclusively filled with clown fish,"  said Nichester.  "The best part about the new promotion we're running is that we'll let you use the toilet in the back of the store after your purchase to 'set little Nemo free' immediately!"   

Nobel Prize Laureate James Watson Admits "Making Up the Whole DNA Thing"

There have been more than 130 post-conviction exonerations nationwide of people on Death Row based on DNA evidence.  "The funny thing about that," says Nobel Prize winner James Watson, "is that me and Crick made the whole DNA thing up!"  Watson explained at a recent world conference of research universities that during the war he and co-discoverer Francis Crick had developed a serious addiction to opium.  "We heard that you can get a million dollars for winning the Nobel Prize so we just sparked up the pipe one night and thought up DNA!"  

Watson went on to explain that he thought the "best part" about the hoax was that they convinced the scientific community that DNA was present in all living things but that it was 'invisible'.  "I almost busted a gut when Crick added that 'invisible' thing at the last minute during our presentation to the Science Academy."  laughed Watson. "He was so high that day!"

Iceland Finally Lifts Ban and Resumes Clubbing Whales to Death with Baby Seals

Iceland has not hunted whales since 1989 but that's about to change due to a new study that claims that whales and other sea life are depleting the fish stocks that support the Icelandic economy.  "Fishing is a very important part of our income,"  noted whaling commissioner Stefan Asmundsson.  "At first we thought we were over-fishing the area but then we realized it was the whales and the seals that were responsible."  

Local hunters have been licensed by the government to dispatch as many of the pest whales and seals as possible.  "At first we were just shooting them."  said Asmundsson "But the sound of the gunfire always attracted the animal rights activists.  That's when we got the idea of using the baby seals to quietly bludgeon the whales to death!"

"Now everyone's happy."  continued Asmundsson.  "The whales and seals are dead, the animal rights activists don't have to hear the killings, and the fisheries are back in full swim!"  Additionally, with the whale overpopulation problem now on the wane, the Icelandic Tourist Commission expects the number of vacationers to explode next season.