The Wide World of News
A Charles Foster Kane Media International Publication

July 21, 2003

Entertainment News
Spiderman Sequel Confusing, Disappointing and, For Some Reason, Obsessed With Horse Racing

Question of the Day

Praying For the Death of Liberal U.S. Supreme Court Justices.  Will God Accept Pat's Challenge?

Sticker Depicting Calvin Peeing on Calvin Causes Logic Paradox, Universe Implodes 

Nintendo Announces New Bonus Rape Scenario Added to Popular Video Game

Novelty Wanted Poster Made at Cedar Point Fails to Provide Information as to Location of Former Dictator

Recent Crop Circles Suggest Aliens Unaware That X-Files Inspired Interest in Extraterrestrials Ended in the 1990's

American Children Unconcerned About Civil Unrest in Liberia

14 years
of almost continuous civil war has left the small African nation of Liberia devastated and more than 250,000 of it's people killed.  American children, however, don't seem to care.  A random survey of 6 children waiting in line to buy ice cream at a local Dairy Queen produced these shocking results:  

  • 78% of the children surveyed were unaware that there were other "countries" in the world besides the United States and Canada.  

  • 13% of survey participants were outraged when informed that the Dairy Queen was out of "sprinkles."

  • 6% believe that the situation in Liberia could be resolved if President Charles Taylor would relinquish control of the country and allow U.N. Peacekeepers to restore order. 

A follow-up survey taken several days later revealed that all participants had forgotten that they were surveyed earlier in the week.  

State of Virginia Delighted Over Potential Opportunity to Test "Little Sparky"

Teen sniper defendant Lee Boyd Malvo has had his upcoming trial moved to Chesapeake, in southeastern Virginia.  He is charged with the October 14 shooting of FBI analyst Linda Franklin.  Together, 17-year-old Malvo and alleged accomplice John Allen Muhammad 42, have been charged with 10 killings in the Washington, D.C. area last fall, and have been linked to slayings in Louisiana, Alabama, Georgia and Washington state.

Because of its reputation of unbridled enthusiasm for execution (second only to Texas) the State of Virginia was the easy choice for prosecution of the child.  

"Virginia is one of the few States with a device specifically designed for killing children!" boasted Prosecutor Robert Horan. "Lil' Sparky was originally fashioned for misbehaving infants and toddlers, but we can strap a teen in just as easy if we take out that feeding tray."

Due to the highly publicized nature of the crime, and the fact that the trial has been moved to a more conservative area of Virginia, it is fairly certain that Malvo will in fact be executed before he reaches adulthood.  "If we get em' while they're young then we can all sleep a little easier," said Horan.  "Lord knows you can't rehabilitate a mixed up kid."

New Virtual Reality Device Allows American Workers to Experience What It Would Be Like If They Had Jobs

U.S. unemployment rose to its worst level in nine years this June as businesses cut thousands more jobs.  The number of Americans filing new claims for unemployment benefits rose to 430,000 last week, which was higher than economists had predicted.  Luckily, Sony has just released the ViewMaster Career Emulator 1.0, a virtual reality device that allows unemployed and laid off workers to experience the thrill of a real working class job.  

"It feels like I'm really doing mindless repetitive data entry!" said one excited former business associate as she tested the virtual device while waiting on line at a McDonald's career day symposium.  

President Bush told reporters that he is concerned with rise in unemployment, but that the recently enacted tax cuts would help in the future. "In fact," said Bush "people can even use some of their tax cut money to buy one of these new Sony thing-a-ma-jiggies."

Sony expects to sell 100,000 units in the next few months as more and more American workers fall by the wayside.  "We have virtual career SIMS for every level and occupation of work that currently exists in the world today!"  explained a spokesperson for the company.  "We even have one ready for the Sony employees in the U.S. who are currently developing and manufacturing these very systems!"