The Wide World of News
July 21, 2003
Spiderman Sequel Confusing, Disappointing and, For Some Reason, Obsessed With Horse Racing
Question of the Day
American Children Unconcerned About Civil Unrest in
A follow-up survey taken several days later revealed that all participants had forgotten that they were surveyed earlier in the week.
State of Virginia Delighted Over Potential Opportunity to Test "Little Sparky"
Teen sniper defendant Lee Boyd Malvo has had his upcoming trial moved to Chesapeake, in southeastern Virginia. He is charged with the October 14 shooting of FBI analyst Linda Franklin. Together, 17-year-old Malvo and alleged accomplice John Allen Muhammad 42, have been charged with 10 killings in the Washington, D.C. area last fall, and have been linked to slayings in Louisiana, Alabama, Georgia and Washington state.
Because of its reputation of unbridled enthusiasm for execution (second only to Texas) the State of Virginia was the easy choice for prosecution of the child.
"Virginia is one of the few States with a device specifically designed for killing children!" boasted Prosecutor Robert Horan. "Lil' Sparky was originally fashioned for misbehaving infants and toddlers, but we can strap a teen in just as easy if we take out that feeding tray."
Due to the highly publicized nature of the crime, and the fact that the trial has been moved to a more conservative area of Virginia, it is fairly certain that Malvo will in fact be executed before he reaches adulthood. "If we get em' while they're young then we can all sleep a little easier," said Horan. "Lord knows you can't rehabilitate a mixed up kid."
New Virtual Reality Device Allows American Workers to Experience What It Would Be Like If They Had Jobs
U.S. unemployment rose to its worst level in nine years this June as businesses cut thousands more jobs. The number of Americans filing new claims for unemployment benefits rose to 430,000 last week, which was higher than economists had predicted. Luckily, Sony has just released the ViewMaster Career Emulator 1.0, a virtual reality device that allows unemployed and laid off workers to experience the thrill of a real working class job.
"It feels like I'm really doing mindless repetitive data entry!" said one excited former business associate as she tested the virtual device while waiting on line at a McDonald's career day symposium.
President Bush told reporters that he is concerned with rise in unemployment, but that the recently enacted tax cuts would help in the future. "In fact," said Bush "people can even use some of their tax cut money to buy one of these new Sony thing-a-ma-jiggies."
Sony expects to sell 100,000 units in the next few months as more and more American workers fall by the wayside. "We have virtual career SIMS for every level and occupation of work that currently exists in the world today!" explained a spokesperson for the company. "We even have one ready for the Sony employees in the U.S. who are currently developing and manufacturing these very systems!"