The Wide World of News
June 28, 2003
New Potter Book Details Brutal Hazing Rituals and Alcohol Poisoning Endured by Harry While Pledging The Order of the Phoenix
Question of the Day
Bush Accidentally Presents Wrong Road Map at Middle
East Peace Summit
As per the instructions provided by Bush in "The Road Map" Israeli military Black Hawk helicopters began strafing Palestinian refugee communities throughout the West Bank town of Hebron two days after the conclusion of the summit.
In retaliation, Palestinian women and children, directed by Abbas and following the course laid out in his copy of "The Road Map," strapped on suicide bombs and blew up a crowded bus in the Israeli coastal city of Haifa.
Realizing his error only recently, Bush has sent the correct maps to Sharon and Abbas along with his sincere apologies, best wishes and hopes for peace in the new year.
New National Anti-Phone Solicitation List Expected to Cause Devastating Unemployment in Federal Prison System
Convicted Rapist Earl Feeler just can't catch a break. He's been working the phone for Sprint and MCI since April and has only convinced 17 people to change their long distance service provider. "Man, if I was on the outside I would make these bitches switch to Sprint in no time." said Feeler. "I remember the phone number of each and every one of those whores and I will be paying them a visit if I ever get out of here!"
Unfortunately Feeler may never get the chance to increase his monthly sales figures. The federal government, on Friday, launched a national "do-not-call" registry aimed at stopping most telemarketing phone calls to people who regard the sales pitches as invasive and want them blocked. Officials said they expect 60 million people to register eventually.
Tele-marketing companies expect to cut at least 2 million jobs when the registry goes into effect in October. "This is the first job I was really good at," said Derek 'Pig Sticker' Reed. "First they lock me up in here with four concurrent life sentences for slicing up that cop and his family while they slept in their fancy cop house and now The Man is takin this away from me too! Damn!"
Fortunately Nike has offered to shift production from some of its tennis and basketball shoe facilities in Malaysia to select prisons back in the U.S. "We want to get America working again." said Nike CEO Philip Knight. "Unlike those lazy ungrateful money grubbing Asian children who demanded 42 cents an hour last year, these cons will work for 37 cents a day! Now that's a labor market I want to be in business with!"
11 Year Old Trades 160 Million Year Old Trilobite for 3 Yu-Gi-Oh Trading Cards
Armored Lizard, Big Eye and Time Wizard are the three Yu-Gi-Oh trading cards that are worth far more to 11 year old Madelyn Rowland than the 160 million year old trilobite fossil that her grandfather gave her for her birthday. "I will now have enough Life Points to devastate all of my friends next time we do battle!" giggled the excited girl. "My Yugi deck is complete! Let's duel!"
Rowland is not the only child swept up by the excitement of the game. Since the cards were introduced in the United States in March 2002, more than 412,000 kids have registered nationwide to play in Yu-Gi-Oh leagues.
When she's not watching the Yu-Gi-Oh cartoon on TV or battling with her opponents Madelyn spends time on line at the downtown plasma bank with her friends trying to raise cash for more cards. "I got a decent number of Monster cards and Magic cards but I really need to hustle-up more Trap cards if I'm gonna do any serious damage." says Rowland. "This boy I know just scored a complete Kaiba deck. I might have to pawn that U.S. Mint Quarters of the 50 States Collection Grandma and Grandpa gave me for Christmas. How much do you think I can get for it?"