The Wide World of News
June 7, 2003
A Very Stoned Yoda Accepts Award For Best Fight Sequence at 2003 MTV Movie Awards
Question of the Day
Amnesty International Adds United States to List of Human
Rights Abusers; United States Adds Amnesty International to List of
Potential Terrorist Organizations
"We will not tolerate this cowardly attack on our country's good name." said Lord Emperor Bush in response to the report. "We will hunt them down and detain them in the most brutal ways imaginable at our off-shore gulag in Guantanamo. They will be begging me for mercy when I'm done with them!"
The Amnesty International report states more than 600 detainees are still being held at Camp X-Ray, Cuba, "without being charged, and without legal assistance." Since April 2002 there have been over 30 suicide attempts by detainees.
"These cowards think that they'll escape by way of suicide, but we usually catch em' tryin' it, patch em' up, and send em' straight back to the question and answer rooms the same day," said one hooded Pentagon official. "If saving these terrorist bastards from suicide is inhumane, then I guess I just don't understand what definitions these crazy Amnesty International wackos are using."
Silly Blonde Woman Attempts to Make Money; Men Indict
Martha Stewart has been indicted on nine-counts of obstructing justice and making false statements to Federal Authorities. If convicted she could face up to 30 years in prison. News of the indictment has been sparse as most media outlets have decided that it would be exploitative to make too much of the story.
From the limited information available, it has been determined that Stewart has made a great deal of money during her lifetime without the assistance of men. In fact, her entire company, Martha Stewart Living, seems to be exclusively marketed for women.
If it is true that this lady has a lot of money, then the men of America will have no choice but to convict her, lock her up and throw away the key. Celebrity or not, American business has a grand tradition of ethics and high moral standards, and Martha Stewart has apparently lied about something. How would it look if we let her get away with something like that?
U.S. Intelligence of Iraqi Weapons of Mass Destruction Program Revealed to be Based on Children's Phone Prank
It is Day 78 of the Search for Iraqi W.M.D. and not a single weapon has been found. The American public is growing suspicious, and the rest of the world is becoming more smug. And now, to make matters worse, the Defense Intelligence Agency has released a report that claims that the entire Iraqi Weapons of Mass Destruction program may have been created by two children who were making a prank call to the Office of the Secretary of Defense.
As the primary reason for the war in Iraq, the Weapons of Mass Destruction program was presented to the United Nations on February 5th by U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell. "Look," said Powell of his presentation to the United Nations, "I had just learned how to use my MS Powerpoint software, so I downloaded some cool scary graphics from a free clip-art website, threw in some statistics from the early 90's and made my case. If I had known that the primary source of intelligence was a couple of 8 year olds I never would have agreed to do this!"
Meanwhile, as of May 1st, when President Bush announced the end of the major fighting in Iraq, 39 U.S. soldiers have been killed from accidents and attacks by Iraqis. Electricity and food programs are operating at about 1% of their pre-war efficiency and much of the nation is in anarchy and chaos. The children who made the prank call have apologized.