The Wide World of News
A Charles Foster Kane Media International Publication

May 13, 2003

Entertainment News
Matrix Sequel Expected to Top Box Office This Weekend Until Pokemon Heroes Opens the Following Day 

Question of the Day


Why Wasn't It a Crime to Beat Up and Humiliate the Underclassmen When I Was One?



Alzheimer's Addled Murder Enthusiast Relinquishes Presidency of NRA to Slightly Less Retarded "Damn Dirty" Primate



New Cootie Epidemic Displaces SARS as World's Most Feared Disease



Texas Mother's Day Massacre.  Woman Warned Children That Another Macaroni Encrusted Homemade Card Would "...Force her to crush them with heavy rocks..."



President Bush Proudly Accepts Honorary G.E.D. 



Fake Terrorist Attack Practice Scenario Demonstrates Government's Ability to Deal With Pre-Planned Fake Terrorist Attacks

Confused and Terrified Iraqis Quickly Erect Statues to Honor New Ruler 
Fresh Statues
are popping up all over downtown Baghdad and even the North central Iraqi city of Tikrit.  Idols of  The Conqueror and New Supreme Ruler George Bush have been cast by Amer-Iraqi citizens who wish to please their new Leader.  Smelted from the bronze and gold liquefied antiquities pillaged last month from the Iraqi National Museum, many of the larger-than-life effigies have been completed in record time.

"We wish to please the master."  said one Iraqi artisan while peering nervously at the armed U.S. troops approaching what is left of his bombed out workshop.  "Because my wife and child were destroyed during the wonderful liberation I can now spend 100% of my time and energy honoring the new Sovereign."  

Sculptures in stone, which typically take months if not years to create, are curiously already on display in many of Iraq's smaller villages.  Local dock workers in the Southern port town of Umm Qasr reported that "100's of large heavy crates were unloaded from American warships by soldiers and then sent by trucks to the North, East and West of the country."  Unfortunately all Iraqi dock workers who assisted or witnessed this supposed "secret cargo movement" were later killed, along with their families, in a friendly firing squad incident.


Distracting Roadside Memorial Causes Deadly Twelve Car Pile Up
The driver of a cub scout laden minivan, Saturday, heading North on I-95 was momentarily distracted by a roadside memorial for a dead teen drunk driving victim.  The mini van veered from it's lane and was instantly crushed by a cement truck which flipped over the median and plowed directly into oncoming rush hour traffic.   Once the dust settled and the fires burned down, twelve vehicles had been totaled and all drivers and passengers were dead or dying.

The driver of the mini van described, before he was taken off life support, how he was distracted by the balloons that had recently been affixed to the lone white cross that was raised in remembrance of high school sophomore Jef "Jello-Shooter" Till.

The Department of Highway Safety has asked relatives and mourners to not place any additional roadside memorials at the site of the accident.


Emigration From United States to Iraq Expected to Surge With Promise of Guaranteed Health Care and New Fully Funded Schools
Analysts have said it could cost nearly $500 billion to rebuild Iraq, a country battered by America in two wars over two decades and 12 years of United Nations sanctions.  President and interim Master of the Universe, George Bush has promised to rebuild the war torn nation.  "We will see that every Iraqi citizen is afforded the guaranteed health care that all free and civilized people should enjoy."  said Bush in an address to unemployed American auto workers in Detroit on Friday.  "I don't care about the cost.  Freedom has no price tag and I will not allow the Iraqi people to continue to suffer."

Bush then moved to the capitol city of Lansing to address the Michigan Education Association.  "As long as I am President of the United States of America I promise that no Iraqi child will be left behind.  I don't care about the cost.  An Iraqi child's future should have no price tag!" said Bush to a partially empty auditorium.  Although many teachers and administrators were present for the speech, some could not be in attendance as they are in the process of cleaning out classrooms before their schools are closed forever and torn down.

"I wish I lived in Iwack." wept one recently displaced kindergartner panhandling for cough syrup money outside MEA headquarters.

With this year's federal deficit expected to exceed $300 billion (the largest in history), the steady two year decline of the U.S. economy, and record high unemployment, the rationality of sponsoring the reconstruction of Iraq has been called into question.  Especially considering the fact that we just spent a couple $100 billion blowing it up. 

President Bush, however, is not worried.  He has a plan.  A $550 billion tax cut for the richest 5% of the country.  "Once approved, this tax cut will put $550 billion back in the pockets of 20 or 30 of my fellow Americans who will then turn around and hire more help."  explained Bush.  With an additional few billion dollars it is anticipated that these 20 or 30 people will hire a few hundred more illegal immigrant servants who will be paid poorly but pump their meager wages back into the local economy which will create a couple new jobs at Burger King.  Problem solved.

Not withstanding the Bush economic plan , American emigration officials have already been inundated with requests from Americans who are ready to relinquish their citizenship immediately.  Because there is still no working government in Iraq, a person needs only to be physically in the country to claim citizenship.  The population of Iraq is expected to swell to India-size proportions in the coming months as more and more former Americans take advantage of the freedoms and American sponsored care that all Iraqi citizens will come to enjoy.