The Wide World of News
April 21, 2003
New Fox Reality Series: America's Sexiest Newborns Expected to Win May Sweeps
Question of the Day
What Does SARS Taste Like?
Scott Peterson Pleads 'Not Guilty':
Peterson went on to explain that he didn't think it was fair that a guy having a secret affair
couldn't take out an additional last minute life insurance policy on his pregnant wife
and then leave her at home on Christmas morning to go fishing
without arousing suspicion.
This is "all one big misunderstanding," Peterson insists. "First of all, the $10,000 was just some of the cash I had left from when I sold Laci's car the week after her disappearance. Further, I was rushing toward Mexico only because the guy who is buying Laci and my house is on vacation down there and he thought I might like to come and take my mind off this whole 'murderer' thing. And finally, I didn't change my identity because I was fleeing the country. I just figured that now that we have confirmation that the corpses found washed up by my favorite fishing spot were in fact Laci and my unborn son, I should change my appearance so as not to creep out any of the senoritas I might score with while on vacation."
Peterson's own lawyer has requested that he be held without bail so that he "doesn't do anything else that might be mistaken for the acts of a guilty, remorseless, wife murdering, adulterous, 'fugitive-on-the-run' baby killer."
Weapon of Mass Destruction Found,
The U.S. State Department is happy to report that it has finally discovered one of Iraq's hidden Weapons of Mass Destruction. The WMD was unearthed in a secret roadside bunker that was recently deserted by the mythical Iraqi Republican Guard. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld explained that the weapon, identified as a Russian Kalashnikov rifle, could have been reloaded hundreds of thousands of times and killed millions of people. "This is why we invaded and bombed the hell out of Iraq. A civilized society like ours cannot stand by and allow a savage killing machine like this to exist."
Former Chief U.N. Weapons inspector Hans Blix conceded that Operation Iraqi Freedom can now be considered a "complete success," and he apologized for not being able to locate the weapon in the weeks allotted prior to the inevitable invasion.
Hollywood has also recognized the error of its crazy anti-war stance. Susan Sarandon, Michael Stipe, Jeananne Garafalo and Martin Sheen all apologized publicly for their mistaken belief that the entire war was nothing more than a childish 911 retaliation against a defenseless and oppressed Arab citizenry, solely for the purpose of taking control and custody of a sovereign nation's own oil wells. "I had no idea they had a Kalashnikov!" stated an embarrassed Mike Farrell. "Now I understand why all those crazy Muslim terrorist children had to die."
Operation Iraqi Freedom Trading Cards Allow American Children to Celebrate the U.S. Victory and Have Fun at the Same Time!
Drop your Pogs and Dragonball Z cards. The hottest children's collecting craze this summer is guaranteed to be U.S. Department of Defense's Operation Iraqi Freedom trading cards! After its successful use of standard playing cards to identify and locate the 55 most wanted Iraqi leaders, the Defense Department decided to let U.S. children collect a piece of the fun.
After the U.S. Central Command's announcement of the playing cards existence, original and bootleg sets immediately became available on eBay. Adults scrambled to obtain a set for themselves. Seeing an opportunity to further exploit the situation, Central Command immediately issued the trading card series for children.
"Now everyone can enjoy Operation Iraqi Freedom the way we have" said General Tommy Franks. "Children can now see and collect pictures of our victory and then flip the cards over and read the casualty lists and death tolls. It's fabulous fun!"