The Wide World of News
A Charles Foster Kane Media International Publication

April 21, 2003

Entertainment News
New Fox Reality Series:  America's Sexiest Newborns Expected to Win May Sweeps

Question of the Day

What Does SARS Taste Like?

Crazy Squiggly Writing on Banners Render Iraqi Protest Meaningless

America's Drunkest Employees Now Armed with Guns for Our Protection

Iraqi Museums Looted.  Priceless Artifacts Chronicling the Dawn of Civilization Stolen and Smashed.  Iraqi Oil  Ministry and Precious Oil Wells Protected and Secure. 

Pope Requests Easter Prayer Service Focus on World Peace and Relief for Papal Sinus Headaches

Celebrated Middle Eastern Sculptor Laments U.S. Military Desecration and Destruction of His Life's Work

Scott Peterson Pleads 'Not Guilty': 
"Honestly!  Who Do I Gotta Kill Around Here to Get People to Believe I'm Not Guilty of Murder!?"
Scott Peterson
pled innocent in California today on charges of murdering his wife and unborn child.  In a statement to the court Peterson slammed the press, the Modesto Police Department, and everyone else in America for their presupposed guilty verdict.  "I don't know why everybody seems to think I would have done something like this,"  said Peterson.  "Even my girlfriend thinks I did it!"  

Peterson went on to explain that he didn't think it was fair that a guy having a secret affair couldn't take out an additional last minute life insurance policy on his pregnant wife and then leave her at home on Christmas morning to go fishing without arousing suspicion. 

After the bodies of Laci and the child washed up on the shore of San Francisco Bay and were later identified,  Peterson was arrested speeding toward Mexico with ten thousand dollars in cash and a new blonde, bearded, 'fugitive-from-justice' type identity.  

 This is "all one big misunderstanding," Peterson insists.  "First of all, the $10,000 was just some of the cash I had left from when I sold Laci's car the week after her disappearance.  Further, I was rushing toward Mexico only because the guy who is buying Laci and my house is on vacation down there and he thought I might like to come and take my mind off this whole 'murderer' thing.   And finally, I didn't change my identity because I was fleeing the country.  I just figured that now that we have confirmation that the corpses found washed up by my favorite fishing spot were in fact Laci and my unborn son, I should change my appearance so as not to creep out any of the senoritas I might score with while on vacation."

Peterson's own lawyer has requested that he be held without bail so that he "doesn't do anything else that might be mistaken for the acts of a guilty, remorseless, wife murdering, adulterous, 'fugitive-on-the-run' baby killer." 

Weapon of Mass Destruction Found, 
War Justified
The U.S. State Department is happy to report that it has finally discovered one of Iraq's hidden Weapons of Mass Destruction.   The WMD was unearthed in a secret roadside bunker that was recently deserted by the mythical Iraqi Republican Guard.  Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld explained that the weapon, identified as a Russian Kalashnikov rifle, could have been reloaded hundreds of thousands of times and killed millions of people.  "This is why we invaded and bombed the hell out of Iraq.  A civilized society like ours cannot stand by and allow a savage killing machine like this to exist."

Former Chief U.N. Weapons inspector Hans Blix conceded that Operation Iraqi Freedom can now be considered a "complete success," and he apologized for not being able to locate the weapon in the weeks allotted prior to the inevitable invasion.  

Hollywood has also recognized the error of its crazy anti-war stance.  Susan Sarandon, Michael Stipe, Jeananne Garafalo and Martin Sheen all apologized publicly for their mistaken belief that the entire war was nothing more than a childish 911 retaliation against a defenseless and oppressed Arab citizenry, solely for the purpose of taking control and custody of a sovereign nation's own oil wells.  "I had no idea they had a Kalashnikov!" stated an embarrassed Mike Farrell.  "Now I understand why all those crazy Muslim terrorist children had to die."

Operation Iraqi Freedom Trading Cards Allow American Children to Celebrate the U.S. Victory and Have Fun at the Same Time!
Drop your Pogs and Dragonball Z cards.  The hottest children's collecting craze this summer is guaranteed to be U.S. Department of Defense's Operation Iraqi Freedom trading cards!  After its successful use of standard playing cards to identify and locate the 55 most wanted Iraqi leaders, the Defense Department decided to let U.S. children collect a piece of the fun.  

After the U.S. Central Command's announcement of the playing cards existence, original and bootleg sets immediately became available on eBay.  Adults scrambled to obtain a set for themselves.  Seeing an opportunity to further exploit the situation, Central Command immediately issued the trading card series for children.  

"Now everyone can enjoy Operation Iraqi Freedom the way we have" said General Tommy Franks.  "Children can now see and collect pictures of our victory and then flip the cards over and read the casualty lists and death tolls.  It's fabulous fun!"