The Wide World of News
March 16, 2003
Accused Wife Killer, Baretta, Assembles Dream Team of Hollywood Investigators and Defense Counsel
Question of the Day
In how many of these instances did a democratic government, respectful of human rights, occur as a direct result? Choose one of the following:
*Quiz compiled by The Vietnam Veterans Against War
Muslim Obliterating Annihilation
Bomb Tested in Florida, 1000's of Drunken Teens on Spring Break
Exposed to Radiation and Fallout
Doctors expect that most of the vacationing students will recover fully with only minor burns and imperceptible genetic damage. A few hundred who happened to be in the water at the time were boiled alive, but the majority were on land during the explosion.
"When we chose Florida as the test site we were really only expecting that the elderly would suffer." smirked Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. "It's too bad that the youth of America had to pay so high a price for the freedom of Iraq."
Footage of the blast can be seen on CNN every 7 minutes and will also be featured in the new Girls Gone Wild 2003 Spring Break Beach Blast video at stores soon!
Operation Human Shield Fails to Shield Against Weapons of Any Kind
Most of the protesters were immediately incinerated due to their proximity to the blast radius. The Iraqi target, a bomb factory disguised as a children's hospital and puppy sanctuary, was instantly vaporized along with the human shields that were "protecting" it.
The few remaining members of Operation Human Shield have returned home to reorganize and develop new strategies to protest the impending war. "We realize now that we may have overestimated our ability to defend Iraq against invasion by the most powerful military force the planet has ever seen." said one demoralized little girl. "Our new idea is to dress like Iraqi soldiers and run toward coalition forces in the dark with toy guns screaming in Arabic. We hope our message of peace will be better understood this time."
The State of Texas Is Now Three Times More Lethal Than Anthrax
This week Texas celebrates its 300th execution since the 1982 reinstatement of the death penalty. This number averages to 15 executions a year for the last 20 years. The dreaded terrorist weapon Anthrax, on the other hand, averages around 5 deaths per year in the United States. Therefore, you are 3 times more likely to be killed this year by the state of Texas than by Anthrax.
While former Illinois Gov. George Ryan issued a blanket commutation of sentences for the nearly 170 inmates of Illinois' death row -- due to the fact that 13 men condemned to death after 1977 were later exonerated -- Texas is positive the system is flawless, and will therefore continue its murderous rampage.
A bill pending in the Texas Legislature would put a moratorium on the death penalty and order a study of the issue. However, governor Rick Perry opposes halting capital punishment: "Since I been Governor, I only killed me fitty nine folk so far. Little Georgie Bush Jr. killed one hunded fitty two whiles he was here and there ain't no way that boy gonna git more a them bastards than me!" he stated.
"300 Day" celebrations will include a state-wide picnic and barbecue, body bag races for the kids, a fireworks display, and 3 or 4 more executions.