The Wide World of News
A Charles Foster Kane Media International Publication

March 16, 2003

Entertainment News
Accused Wife Killer, Baretta, Assembles Dream Team of Hollywood Investigators and Defense Counsel

Question of the Day
The following is a list of countries in which the U.S. has intervened militarily since the end of World War II:

China 1945-46 Korea 1950-53
China 1950-53 Guatemala 1954
Indonesia 1958 Cuba 1959-60
Guatemala 1960 Congo 1964
Peru 1965 Laos 1964-73
Vietnam 1961-73 Cambodia 1969-70
Guatemala 1967-69 Grenada 1983
Libya 1986 El Salvador 1980s
Nicaragua 1980s Panama 1989
Iraq 1991-99 Sudan 1998
Yugoslavia 1999 Afghanistan 1998, 2001-2002

In how many of these instances did a democratic government, respectful of human rights, occur as a direct result? Choose one of the following:

(a) 0
(b) zero
(c) none

*Quiz compiled by The Vietnam Veterans Against War

Native Aliens Lament Pollution of Ancestral Extraterrestrial Lands

Bush Calls Hip Hop Star Eminem to Confirm Proper Use of Intimidating Rap Hand Gestures Prior to Addressing U.N. General Assembly

Another American al Qaeda Discovered; Mama Always Said Gump Was a Traitor and That's All I have to Say About That

America's Misguided Dimwitted Children Rally in Support of War

Muslim Obliterating Annihilation Bomb Tested in Florida, 1000's of Drunken Teens on Spring Break Exposed to Radiation and Fallout

A Test of the M.O.A.B.
weapon of mass destruction, by the Air Force earlier this week in Florida, proved to be a complete success in reminding the world what 21,000 lbs of U.S. bomb can do.  Unfortunately the unannounced test also irradiated most of this year's senior class.  "I was just about to totally get it on with this hot drunk girl I found passed out on my balcony," said one stoned youth.  "Then all of a sudden there was this searing flash of light that like totally blinded me and I passed out.  Actually, it was pretty cool."

Doctors expect that most of the vacationing students will recover fully with only minor burns and imperceptible genetic damage.  A few hundred who happened to be in the water at the time were boiled alive, but the majority were on land during the explosion.

"When we chose Florida as the test site we were really only expecting that the elderly would suffer."  smirked Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld.  "It's too bad that the youth of America had to pay so high a price for the freedom of Iraq."

Footage of the blast can be seen on CNN every 7 minutes and will also be featured in the new Girls Gone Wild 2003 Spring Break Beach Blast video at stores soon!

Operation Human Shield Fails to Shield Against Weapons of Any Kind

Operation Human Shield
proved to be a flawed defensive strategy earlier this week when most of its participants were killed during a preliminary target bombing of Iraq.   "Apparently a few suicidal hippies are no match for the U.S. War machine." said Central Command General Tommy Franks in a statement to the Associated Press.  "I just don't know what they were thinking.  I mean a gal with a poster taped to a stick is not going to be able to defend against anything really."

Most of the protesters were immediately incinerated due to their proximity to the blast radius.  The Iraqi target, a bomb factory disguised as a children's hospital and puppy sanctuary, was instantly vaporized along with the human shields that were "protecting" it.  

The few remaining members of Operation Human Shield have returned home to reorganize and develop new strategies to protest the impending war.  "We realize now that we may have overestimated our ability to defend Iraq against invasion by the most powerful military force the planet has ever seen." said one demoralized little girl.  "Our new idea is to dress like Iraqi soldiers and run toward coalition forces in the dark with toy guns screaming in Arabic.  We hope our message of peace will be better understood this time."

The State of Texas Is Now Three Times More Lethal Than Anthrax

This week Texas celebrates its 300th execution since the 1982 reinstatement of the death penalty.  This number averages to 15 executions a year for the last 20 years.  The dreaded terrorist weapon Anthrax, on the other hand, averages around 5 deaths per year in the United States.  Therefore, you are 3 times more likely to be killed this year by the state of Texas than by Anthrax.  

While former Illinois Gov. George Ryan issued a blanket commutation of sentences for the nearly 170 inmates of Illinois' death row -- due to the fact that 13 men condemned to death after 1977 were later exonerated --  Texas is positive the system is flawless, and will therefore continue its murderous rampage.  

A bill pending in the Texas Legislature would put a moratorium on the death penalty and order a study of the issue.  However, governor Rick Perry opposes halting capital punishment: "Since I been Governor, I only killed me fitty nine folk so far.  Little Georgie Bush Jr. killed one hunded fitty two whiles he was here and there ain't no way that boy gonna git more a them bastards than me!"  he stated.

"300 Day" celebrations will include a state-wide picnic and barbecue, body bag races for the kids, a fireworks display, and 3 or 4 more executions.