The Wide World of News
March 6, 2003
New Reality TV Show Promises Exciting, Behind The Scenes, Unscripted Look Into the Making of a new TV Reality Show
Question of the Day
How Come My Do-It-Yourself Laser Pointer Eye Surgery Didn't Work?
North Korean President Kim Jong Il
Volunteers For War With United States
Official U.S. response has been to ignore the tiny dictator. "The immediate clear and present danger represented by North Korea is not as urgent as the potential unproven possibility that Iraq may one day indirectly be responsible for something that happens in the distant future." said U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. Meanwhile, Kim Jong Il makes plans for a "special" genocide that he hopes will finally attract world attention.
Desperate Parents Initiate "Amber Alert System" to Find Missing TV Remote Control
The Amber Alert System, previously used to alert the public during a search for abducted children, has been activated to find the missing remote control of the Peterson family of Austin, Texas. The remote control is believed to have gone missing sometime early Tuesday morning. Authorities close to the investigation have found very few clues and suspect foul play. Pictures of the remote have been distributed and circulated throughout the community and featured on local new programs.
"If anybody out there has the Peterson's remote control we just want them to return it. No questions will be asked." said the Austin Chief of Police.
Impassioned pleas by the Peterson's have thus far been fruitless. "Please don't hurt our remote! We love our remote! We just want our remote back."
The Peterson's T.V. is currently stuck on the WB Network. If the remote is not located in the next few hours they will be forced to watch Charmed tonight.
Campers at Camp X-Ray in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba Not having Fun Anymore; Want to Go Home
The Camp X-Ray, suspected terrorist detainment facility at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba is not the happy summer adventure that many campers expected. "They don't have any craft classes, there are no canoe trips, the food sucks and they've kept us here for 18 months now. I wanna go home!" wailed one camper as he was removed from the genital electro-shock torture chair late Wednesday night. Most campers that have not had their tongues removed expressed similar sentiment.
"I miss my family," said camper #595672, "I had a newborn daughter when I came here. She will be celebrating her second birthday in a couple weeks. I just wish I could see her again but they burned my eyes out with acid during my last 'Question-Time' session."
Camp counselors have expressed concern over the last few weeks due to the increase in suicide by the camper population. "We just don't understand it." said one staff advisor. "We starve em' for 36 hours and then march em' in circles under the blazing hot sun while playing Christian Gospel music. They ought to be having the time of their lives here! It's like a jamboree!"
"I have been getting a lot of exercise," noted camper #347625. "My upper arm strength has significantly increased since they had me start digging my own grave but I cannot really say it has been a fun time."
One starving and dehydrated camper dropped to his knees after an "accidental" bludgeoning an wept, "I speak to Allah daily but the counselors force us to pray to the North and I fear He cannot hear me. Perhaps it is as counselor Tim said when he told us that Allah is as dead as we will soon be."
Despite complaints, the population of Camp X-Ray is expected to rise
significantly in the months to come as more campers are rounded up
around the globe. "I thought I would never see my brother
again," remarked camper #939673. "But when they let me
out of the 'discipline hole' on thursday he was lying in the bunk next
to mine. I guess most of my family will be here by the end of the