The Wide World of News
A Charles Foster Kane Media International Publication

February 14, 2003

Entertainment News

Celebrity Crusaders Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon Ironically Killed During Washington D.C. Anti-War Protests by Iraqi al Qaeda Terrorist Attack

Question of the Day

Remember When Album Covers Had Sexy Pictures of Teenage Girls Sitting In Dirty Urinals?

Super Villain Osama bin Laden Drops New Mix Tape

Crazy Texas Jury Breaks With Tradition and Does Not Sentence Convicted Murderer To Death


Iraq Makes Absurd Claim That It Cannot Disarm Because It Has No Weapons

Bush Declares France, Russia and Germany "Axis of Cowardice"

President Bush scolded the U.N. General Assembly Wednesday by taunting the peace-minded countries of France, Germany and Russia.  

"Jacques Chirac is a spineless little sissy-boy!"  said Bush of his French counterpart.  "America will just have to pull their lacey French panties out of the fire like my daddy did for em' in WW II."   

Bush then admonished Russian President Vladimir Putin.  "Putin...Putin!  Quit hiding behind that desk!  I can see your foot!  Got out here and fight damn you!"  

Bush saved his most harsh castigation for Germany.  "I can kind of understand the French, they've always been cowards.  And Russia is probably just too drunk to understand the issue, but Germany?  Germany doesn't want to fight?  That makes no sense at all.  You people do realize that the Iraqi people are Semites , right?  You hate Semites!  Remember?"

Bush then stared, unblinking, at the disgraced world leaders for a full minute in absolute silence before abruptly spinning on his heel and walking out of the room.  

Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge Recommends Terror Preparedness Suicide Kits 

Sheet Plastic
and duct tape.  "These are the two most important items that every U.S. citizen should keep within reach at all times." stated newly appointed Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge earlier this week.   "When the inevitable biological or chemical weapons attack comes, The United States of America will be ready for it."  

The Official Homeland Security Terror Preparedness Plan is as follows:

  1. Arrange a meeting place for your family.  

  2. Stock candy if necessary to lure your unwilling children. 

  3. Wrap head in plastic and secure plastic around neck with duct tape.

  4. After your plastic is air tight and secure, repeat step 2 for each child in family.

  5. Encourage children to sing in order to expedite vacuum effect.

Ridge pledged that, "...if each and every American follows this simple 5 step program, not a single person will die from exposure to a biological or chemical weapons attack."

Apache Chief: The Movie to Compete Against Ben Affleck's Obscure Superhero, Daredevil 

Apache Chief: The Sins of Your Fathers will take on Daredevil in a box-office battle of the second string superheroes this weekend.  Empowered by an ancient native American spell given to him by a wise Medicine Man, Apache Chief has the ability to grow up to 50 feet tall. 

20th Century Fox has been criticized for not employing a single Native American actor for the film.  "We thought it would be racist if we limited casting to Native American actors."  said a spokesperson for Fox.  "If there's one thing we don't want, it's for this film to be thought of as racist."

While Daredevil is expected to flop, Chief is anticipated to exceed the $750 billion record set by Spiderman last summer.