The Wide World of News 
A Charles Foster Kane Media International Publication

February 8, 2003

Entertainment News

Music Producer Phil Spector Now Able to Add Gunshots and Death Screams to His Famous "Wall of Sound"

Question of the Day

Recent SQL Slammer Worm Fails to Destroy the Internet.  Why Did It Fail and How Can I Get It To Work Better Next Time?

Disappointed Virginia Man Sues Best Buy; Big Screen TV "Looked So Much Bigger" In the Store

The Poltergeist Problem or "Carol Anne Effect" Has Been Contained, People Now Encouraged to Go "Into" the Light

Former Michigan Governor John Engler Begins New-Hire Training at EDS

Historic Photo Reveals Ancient Leprechauns Much Taller and Fatter Than Suspected

Bush Addresses the Troops - "Hunt them down! Do not stop until they are found! You do not know pain, you do not know fear. You will taste Iraqi man-flesh. The Battle for Middle-East Begins!"

Time is up. The world is changed. In the land of the United States of America, in the fires of Mount Rushmore, the Dark Lord Bush has forged in secret a master Ring, to control all others. And into this Ring he poured his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate all life. One ring to rule them all, One ring to find them, One ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.  

"One by one," said Bush, "the Free Lands of Middle-East will fall to the power of the Ring."  A red sun rises in the East, blood will be spilt in a fortnight. To the United Nations General Assembly Bush threatened, "I gave you the chance of aiding me willingly, but you have elected the way of pain!"

When asked what she will do with her new post-war power, National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice said, "I do not deny that my heart has greatly desired this. In place of a Dark Lord you will have a Queen! Not dark but beautiful and terrible as the Morning! Treacherous as the Sea! Stronger than the foundations of the earth! All shall love me and despair!"  

Gen. Hussam Amin, head of Iraq's National Monitoring Directorate warned Hussein that "Concealed within his White House fortress, the Dark Lord of  the West sees all. His gaze pierces cloud, shadow, earth, and flesh. You know of what I speak, Saddam: a great Eye, lidless, wreathed in flame."  Hussein's advisor then counseled that he "Take some rest. These borders are well protected."  Hussein slumped in his chair with head in hands, "Dark have been my days of late. I will find no rest here. I heard his voice inside my head. He spoke of his father's assassination attempt and the fall of Iraq. I am a noble man, but my rule is failing, and our people lose faith. My son Uday looks to me to make things right and I would do it. I would see the glory of Iraq restored."

British Prime Minister Tony Blair has been more than eager to serve Bush, even against the will of his own people.  The power Bush holds over Blair is evident.  In a speech to Parliament, Blair said "We swears to serve the master of the precious. We swears on...on... on the precious!"  When asked to prove his allegiance Blair stated that, "Together, my lord Bush, we shall rule this Middle-East. The old world will burn in the fires of industry. Forests will fall. A new order will rise. We will drive the machine of war on the fuel we will soon have from our rich and abundant oil wells."  Blair seems oblivious to the fact that there is only one Lord of the Ring, only one who can bend it to his will. And he does not share power.

There will be no dawn ... for Iraq.  Ours is an army bred for a single purpose - to take those oil fields.  The world is changing. Who now has the strength to stand up against both Blair and Bush...and the union of the two towers? 

"Who Wants to Let Their Kids Spend the Night With Michael Jackson?"; New Fox Reality Series Scheduled for February Sweeps

Michael Jackson's 3,000-acre Neverland ranch, located in Santa Barbara, will be the setting for a new Spring-Sweeps reality series on Fox.   The new show promises viewers will witness the "never before seen" intimate relationships that develop during Jackson's bedroom escapades with a pre-selected group of children.  When asked why he would be willing to televise the horror and psychological damage endured by the participant children, Fox Entertainment Overlord Rupert Murdoch reminded reporters that Jackson recently stated in a TV interview that his sleep-over parties are "... not sexual."   When asked what he meant by "not sexual" Jackson explained that he uses the same definition as former President Bill Clinton and would not elaborate further.

Parents with children between the ages of 3 and 12 are encouraged to send video taped auditions to Jackson at Neverland.  In addition to the video, parents are to provide other vital information about their child including "what is your child's greatest fear."

Children will be eliminated at the end of each episode and sent home.  Of the12 final candidates that Jackson will sleep with, one will be chosen as "Michael's Favorite."  Jackson will then offer the parents $1 million to spend one more "extra special" night with the winning child.