The Wide World of News
January 31, 2003
Suzanne Somers Finally Gets Star on Hollywood Walk of Fame; Resentful Joyce DeWitt Not in Attendance at Ceremony
Question of the Day
Which Food Group is Crack In?
Supreme Court Chief Justice William H. Rehnquist Secretly Graduates High School
New Night Vision / Infrared Weapon Scopes Expected to Provide Alienated Students a Broader Range of Targets
Kick-Ass Presidential State of The Union Address
Promises Cool New Futuristic Hydrogen-Powered
State of the Union parties across the nation fell to a hushed silence as Bush announced his plans. "I almost choked on my freakin' beer," said one inebriated speech fan. "I can't believe I'm really gonna finally get one of them Hydrogen-Powered Future Cars of Tomorrow!"
Glen Wiseman of Howell, Michigan has already begun plans to modify his Hydrogen-Powered Future Car of Tomorrow. "I figure I'll enhance the cylinder head porting with a power-adder and maybe a Weldon or Accel injector." said Wiseman. "I don't really know how the Hydrogen's gonna mix with my Nitro kit but we'll just try not to smoke in the car and hope for the best."
Democratic reaction to the announcement was somewhat skeptical. "We are about to go to war with Iraq. North Korea is threatening us with nuclear weapons. The economy has fallen into the toilet. Old people are sneaking across the border into Canada to buy discount priced prescription drugs to survive. Many -- no, lets just say it -- most of the 9/11 terrorists are still running around looking for a way to blow us up. Our children can't find the Pacific Ocean on a map of the world. But at least distant future generations will get to drive around in the Hydrogen-Powered Future Car of Tomorrow!" said sarcastic cry-baby Senator Carl Levin of Michigan.
Bush's approval rating is expected to sky-rocket by morning, especially with young boys ages 12-15. The Hydrogen-Powered Future Car of Tomorrow is coming. The Hydrogen-Powered Future Car of Tomorrow is coming. The Hydrogen-Powered Future Car of Tomorrow is coming!
Child Abandoned at Utah Shopko Store Identified and Safely Returned to Abusive Stepfather Who Abandoned Him and Probably Killed his Mother
Jacob Corpuz, a wide-eyed youngster, from Reno, Nevada has been safely returned to the stepfather who abandoned him to die in a store earlier in the week. Security cameras at the store were able to capture the abandonment and were later used to identify Jacob's stepfather, Lyle Montgomery. "I guess we're happy to have him back," said Montgomery in a statement. "I'm thrilled to death that you have found and returned to me the son of my wife's ex-husband."
The boy was put in a shopping cart and placed in the toy section of the busy Shopko store on Saturday. Late Monday afternoon the dehydrated 3 year old was discovered by clerks, who were placing new rat traps throughout the store. "I'd noticed him a buncha times over the last couple days but I figured the kid's parents was just doin' lots of shoppin'," said one store employee. "I guess the cries for help and puddles of urine under the cart should have clued me in faster but they didn't."
In a new revelation on Thursday, police now believe that Lyle Montgomery may have murdered Jacob's mother. "You just can't put a grown woman in a shoppin' cart and park her in a store," said Montgomery after his arrest. "With Jeanette I needed a more permanent-like solution if ya know what I'm talkin' about."
Police brought Montgomery and little Jacob in for questioning at the
Reno Sheriff's Department. Jacob was abandoned once again on a
bench in the lobby and has remained there for the last 17 hours during
his stepfather's interrogation. It is expected that he will be
released into state foster care or one of the state's new orphan labor
camps early next month.