The Wide World of News
A Charles Foster Kane Media International Publication

January 13, 2003

Entertainment News
Stupid Construction Worker Joe Millionaire Actually Thinks Some Hot Chick is Going to Like a Poor Guy

Question of the Day

The blue shirt looks nice --
But is it cool?

Formerly Conjoined Twin Maria Teresa Quiej Wins Coin Toss For Brain.  

Football Player Attempted to Warn People Before Stadium Roof Collapse Killed Thousands

250,000 U.S. Troops Deployed to Middle East; War "Not Imminent" Says Washington

Giant Smoking Osama bin Laden Statue Rejected by World Trade Center Memorial Committee

United States Military Very Confident that Un-Manned Killer War Drones Will Destroy Every Living Thing in Iraq Prior to Invasion

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld gave U.S military families something to smile about today when he stated that Iraq will be "completely decimated before a single one of our soldiers steps one foot into the sand."   The Defense Secretary then proudly displayed footage of the November 5th, 2002 assassination of suspected al Qaeda terrorist Abu Ali, also known as Qaed Senyan al-Harthi.  The CIA Predator drone (photo above) launched a "Hellfire" missile that reduced the car and it's occupants to smoldering ash in the desert.

The "Packbot" (also seen above) is just one of the new ways to kill from really far away.  Like the Predator, the Packbot can be sent into enemy territory (ie. a nursery school, hospital, etc.) and release a deadly array of weaponry.  From flesh eating neuro-toxins and remote detonated concussion grenades to just driving around with the flame throwers and burning those trying to escape the targeted building.  This new generation of remote controlled death vehicles have now tasted their first drops of Muslim blood.

"One of the hardest things I have to do is tell a family that their son or daughter died under my command while performing a slash and burn at a terrorist training camp day care center."  said head of U.S. Central Command General Tommy Franks.  "With the attack drones, the worst thing I ever have to do is order a new drone!  And after I get 10 punches in my card I get a free one!"

U.S. officials have been very impressed with the performance of the drones thus far and have reported that not a single drone has disobeyed an order from a commanding officer.  Even if the order specifically targets civilians.  "I let my kid waste a whole school bus full of refugees yesterday from my office at the pentagon!" said one excited soldier.  "He thought he was playing a new Play Station 2 game.  It was totally like that Orson Scott Card book I read when I was a kid!"

Commuted and Pardoned Death Row Inmates Take Control of Illinois, State Homicide Rate Already Four Times Higher Than Last Year

CHICAGO, Illinois
Outgoing  Gov. George Ryan announced Saturday that he had commuted the sentences of all 167 of the state's death row inmates and pardoned some of those who had threatened him directly.  "There was this one guy who looked me straight in the eye and said he would murder my whole family if I didn't let him go." said Ryan.  "In Illinois we take a threat like that seriously.  I ain't gonna get killed just cause I wouldn't let this guy out of jail!"

All cities within a 100 mile perimeter of the Illinois Maximum Security Penitentiary have been evacuated.  "Most of us made it out alive." said one resident who was inside the ex-con determined "kill-zone" shortly after the Governor's press conference.  "They took the town from the East with their motorcycles and scary trucks.  I can only assume my wife is now either their love slave or was chopped up and fed to the rabid dogs that guard the border of my...I mean"

Other stories from survivors were equally graphic.  "I was watching the news with my friends and family.  I went to the bathroom for a second and when I came back out the entire room was festooned with entrails and splattered with the blood of my loved ones." said a recent widower.  "I guess that old saying really is true, 'If you let the people on death row go free everyone you care about will die.'  I always thought they just said that to scare us into voting Republican."

Local residents seem to have more questions than answers about the decision.  "Why did that guy with all the scars on his face eat my baby!"  wailed a recent mother.  "Why did the Governor do this to us!  Why George Ryan!  Why have you forsaken us!"

Although he denies it, and says he'll kill anyone who says it's true, Governor Ryan is believed to have made the fateful decision to ensure his nomination for next year's Nobel Peace Prize.  

"If spilling the blood of thousands to guarantee the rights of 167 will get you nominated for a Peace trophy then I guess he made the right choice."  said incoming Democratic Governor elect Rod Blagojevich.  "I just wish we could have rehabilitated some of them before their release.  Seems like that would have worked out to be less tragic and horrifying."