The Wide World of News
A Charles Foster Kane Media International Publication

Christmas Edition
December 20, 2002


Entertainment News
Gangs of New York Kill Each Other At Gangs of New York Holiday Premier in New York

Question of the Day

Hobbits?  Elves?  What's the Freakin' Difference?


Former Republican Majority Leader Trent Lott Refuses to Recognize Kwanzaa Holiday



Christmas "Toys For Tots" Delivery Unlikely, Orphans Despair



Santa Intercepted By Recently Armed Intercontinental Ballistic Missile Defense System, Christmas Cancelled 
U.S. air space
was magnificently defended today when a reindeer propelled sleigh attempted to breech our border from the North Pole.  Early alert systems at NORAD in Colorado were able to triangulate the target and relay coordinates to the "Star Wars" missile defense system.  As expected the system performed flawlessly.  The deadly explosion took place over Canada so no Americans were injured by fallout or bloody debris.  "I wish former President Ronald Reagan was sane enough to see this," said our teary-eyed Commander and Chief.  "If he wasn't a drooling vegetable, he probably would have liked it."  

In his White House Christmas address to the Nation, Bush praised the successful defense system.  "I think we can finally lay to rest our fears and doubts.  The United States is safe.  This is truly a Christmas miracle."

When informed that the children of the world were sobbing uncontrollably, Bush sternly reminded the the wailing kids to remember the words of Boris Karlof who said, "Welcome Christmas bring your cheer, cheer to all Whos far and near.  Christmas day is in our grasp, so long as we have hands to clasp.  Christmas day will always be, just as long as we have we.  Welcome Christmas while we stand, heart to heart and hand in hand."


Saddam Hussein Attempts Last Minute Deal With Santa Claus, Offer Rejected
Recently re-elected Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein attempted a last minute negotiation at the Mall of Iraq earlier today.  Disguised as a timid little girl, the despot  requested that Santa "use his power" to, "rain Hell Fire upon the infidels of the West."  He also requested the new "Cameron" doll from the popular Bratz Collectors Doll Series.  

Hussein's mother praised Saddam for "sitting still" on Santa's lap but was disappointed that he turned his head at the last minute when the photo was taken.  "After waiting in that Allah-forsaken line for 2 hours, I seriously considered detonating the suicide bomb I was wearing.  But the look on little Saddy's face when he climbed up on Santa's knee made it all worth while."  

Santa, on the other hand, was not amused by the deception.  The Christmas patriarch rejected all proposals from the tyrant.  Including his compromise suggestion that Santa smite America with, "a foul pestilence of anthrax infested scarab beetles." 

"I just couldn't please that little girl." said Santa.  "She also asked me for a intercontinental delivery system for her secret biological weapons cache.  I told her she'd shoot her eye out."

Attempts by Hussein to sneak back in line with a different dress on were thwarted by the fearsome and brutal warriors of Santa's Elvish Imperial Guard.