The Wide World of News
A Charles Foster Kane Media International Publication

December 14, 2002

Entertainment News
Actor Matt Damon Gunned Down By Jealous and Confused P Diddy at J Lo Engagement Party

Question of the Day

If dolphins are so smart why don't we enslave them to do our work for us?



Bush Mispronounces at Crucial Moment During Speech, Attempts to Block Microphone Before Words Get There



Recently Introduced HIV Positive Sesame Street Muppet Kami Dies, AIDS



Angry Fetus Files For Legal Separation From Parents, Irreconcilable Differences

New Comprehensive Homeland Security Advisory System Instituted by WWN Editor

WWN News
released what they called a more Comprehensive Homeland Security Advisory System during the afternoon Kindergarten class at Corunna Elementary School today.  The Editor and Chief of WWN News sat in a circle of children before nap-time and informed quite bluntly that, "Iraq, Iran, and North Korea all have nuclear weapons pointed at your mommies and daddies."  

The Chief then passed around photos of Hiroshima victims but quieted the horrified children by telling them, "..Don't cry little ones.  This is when we dropped the bomb on them....it's OK."  He went on to say that the former 5 tier advisory system was no longer relevant.  

"Do any of you even know what level orange is?" asked the Chief.  

"My sweater is orange!" squealed one excited little boy.  "But it don't taste like a pumpkin!"

When asked if they knew what the Axis of Evil was, many children did not respond.  "The Axis of Evil are the really bad countries of the world that don't share our political and religious beliefs"  stated the Editor.  "They also hate Santa, Christmas, flowers, Harry Potter, baby animals, candy and video games like Super Mario Party 4."  

"I hate the asses of evil" shouted one student as he stepped on another child's castle of blocks.  

At the end of class each child had a copy of the new Comprehensive Homeland Security Advisory System pinned to their shirt to take home for their parents to study.


Star Trek Nemesis Beams Down To Theatres Everywhere, Nerds Rejoice 

Comic Book stores were empty Friday as the 10th Film in the Star Trek franchise opened in theatres nationwide.  100's of geeks descended upon local cinemas to witness the newest adventure of their vicarious existence.  Theatre manager Mike Coonan was prepared for the nerd onslaught.  "The replicators (concession counters) are fully stocked with everything from a "Samarian Sunset" prepared in the traditional style to "fresh Klingon gagh" served live of course."  

To further accommodate the "Trekies", theatres provided a "containment field" around each patron who showed up in costume.  "This is for their protection as much as ours," said Coonan.  Apparently many geeks were savagely beaten at the last premier when they asked other theatre goers if they wanted to "marry in the traditional Betazoid fashion."  

"Although my positronic brain does not allow for emotion, I am totally stoked!"  exclaimed one excited man.  "The last time I felt this way was when I successfully repaired the psionic resonator and was able to help the Captain apply a plasma infuser in Jefferies tube 14 to calibrate the starboard nacelle!"

Although marketing for the film has suggested that this will be the last in the series, Star Trek fans seem nonplused.  "It's never going to end," snickered one nerd after seeing the film.  "Maybe in this space time continuum but that's only one of millions."