The Wide World of News
December 14, 2002
Actor Matt Damon Gunned Down By Jealous and Confused P Diddy at J Lo Engagement Party
Question of the Day
If dolphins are so smart why don't we enslave them to do our work for us?
New Comprehensive Homeland
Security Advisory System Instituted by WWN Editor
The Chief then passed around photos of Hiroshima victims but quieted the horrified children by telling them, "..Don't cry little ones. This is when we dropped the bomb on them....it's OK." He went on to say that the former 5 tier advisory system was no longer relevant.
"Do any of you even know what level orange is?" asked the Chief.
"My sweater is orange!" squealed one excited little boy. "But it don't taste like a pumpkin!"
When asked if they knew what the Axis of Evil was, many children did not respond. "The Axis of Evil are the really bad countries of the world that don't share our political and religious beliefs" stated the Editor. "They also hate Santa, Christmas, flowers, Harry Potter, baby animals, candy and video games like Super Mario Party 4."
"I hate the asses of evil" shouted one student as he stepped on another child's castle of blocks.
At the end of class each child had a copy of the new Comprehensive Homeland Security Advisory System pinned to their shirt to take home for their parents to study.
Star Trek Nemesis Beams Down To
Theatres Everywhere, Nerds Rejoice
To further accommodate the "Trekies", theatres provided a "containment field" around each patron who showed up in costume. "This is for their protection as much as ours," said Coonan. Apparently many geeks were savagely beaten at the last premier when they asked other theatre goers if they wanted to "marry in the traditional Betazoid fashion."
"Although my positronic brain does not allow for emotion, I am totally stoked!" exclaimed one excited man. "The last time I felt this way was when I successfully repaired the psionic resonator and was able to help the Captain apply a plasma infuser in Jefferies tube 14 to calibrate the starboard nacelle!"
Although marketing for the film has suggested that this will be the last in the series, Star Trek fans seem nonplused. "It's never going to end," snickered one nerd after seeing the film. "Maybe in this space time continuum but that's only one of millions."