The Wide World of News
November 13, 2002
Elton John Has Laser Corrective Eye Surgery, Worries He May Not Be Recognized at Supermarket
Question of the Day
United Nations Weapons Inspectors
Arrive in Iraq, Weapons Found Immediately
Upon arriving in Baghdad, UN Weapons Inspectors immediately found thousands of weapons hidden under a tarp at the airport. "What do you call these!?" shouted Chief Weapons Inspector Hans Blix, while indicating the enormous cache of weaponry. "Did you think I wouldn't notice? I'm the Chief Freakin' Weapons Inspector!"
Embarrassed Iraqi officials explained that this particular arsenal belonged to rap superstar Eminem who had recently done a concert there and had departed without all of his luggage.
Inspectors immediately began to explore and probe their pre-established search grid. All Dairy Queens were cleared as "Clean Zones" within 4 hours.
Inspectors are concerned by rumors of Iraqi children being forced to participate in State imposed balloon swallowing contests conducted at all Iraqi schools earlier this week. "I wanted to swallow 300!", said one excited child. "But I bited down on a green one and some of the bio-toxin powder inside it got in my mouth. My tummy is owie now."
Weapons inspections are expected to continue throughout the week except during the TNN Star Trek Marathon scheduled for Friday.
Captain Kangaroo vs. Mr. Rogers, Has Celebrity Boxing Gone Too Far?
Mr. Rogers has a lot to think about at the moment. He's laced up his gloves and is mentally preparing to go 3 rounds with Captain Kangaroo. "Rogers...You da man!" he whispers while shadow boxing in front of the mirror in his dressing room. "I am going to pound that fat man into The Land of Make-Believe."
The trash talk continued as Captain Kangaroo, flanked by bodyguards, climbed into the ring and stood upon the top rope shouting that he was "The Peoples Kangaroo" and that Rogers would be going back to his neighborhood "in a body bag."
23 seconds into the first round Rogers landed a devastating roundhouse that dropped the Captain for the full 10 count.
"How you like dat," Rodgers screamed down at his fallen opponent in a spray of blood, sweat and spit. "Who da Captain now chump!"
Plans for the highly anticipated re-match have yet to be announced.