The Projectalan Action News Post-Intelligencer
March 2004

Madman Howard Dean Takes Control of Democratic Party by Threatening to Squish a Kitten

Oscar Winner Clint Eastwood Reveals in Acceptance Speech that Million Dollar Baby was in fact "...just a propaganda film to support assisted suicide, Suckers!"  

Special Bonus Feature on Ocean's Twelve Collector's Edition DVD Offers Viewer Option of Watching A Good Movie Instead

Following the Reagan Era "Ketchup as Food Group" Example, Bush Administration Health Initiative Encourages Children to Acquire Iron and Other Much Needed Minerals From Polluted Snow

Mel Gibson's "Recut" of The Passion of the Christ, Features New Improved Ending

Mel Gibson is once again creating controversy with his new edit of last year's gruesome horror-show The Passion of the Christ.  "I was super excited when I saw the word 'Re-Cut' attached to the film.  It must mean more bloody, savage torture of Jesus, right?" said evangelical pastor Dave Williams.  "When I forced the children of my congregation to see the movie the first time, I was sad because video games and popular music lyrics had desensitized them to the violence.  Hopefully this "Re-Cut" will properly upset them."

Unfortunately while most share William's Christian enthusiasm for a more violent version of the movie, Gibson has in fact removed some of the most ghastly images from his film.  He also re-wrote and re-filmed a more uplifting ending where Jesus doesn't suffer and die on the cross, but rides off into the sunset on a bicycle accompanied by a bouncy new Randy Newman scored rendition of "Rain Drop's Are Falling on My Head." 

Annoying Woman at Office Now Communicates Exclusively with Emoticons

Office employee, Dawn LeFleur, is in danger of losing her job because she refuses to use anything but emoticons to communicate with fellow employees.  "I told her to compile the data for the Prescott/Engleman presentation this afternoon and she sends me back a response with a birthday cake, a angry beaver and a laughing flower," her supervisor reported,  "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"  

Others at the company have brought LeFleur to the attention of management.  "Mitch from accounting was having a stroke the other day in the mail room, and I instant messaged Dawn to call an ambulance," said co-worker Sarah McTill.  "I get a reply back with a sword fighting hamster, three smiley faces and a Peanut that seems to be doing the moonwalk.  The ambulance finally came, but we thought Mitch was a goner for a second there."